Thursday, July 5, 2007

Anger and Embarrassment

My stepmom called me today to let me know that my dad, who is battling cancer, is in the hospital . . since Friday of last week! That's more than five days that he's been in the hospital and I've been going about my life like everything is normal. Was he sitting there thinking no one cared about him? Did he not want to bother me? Was he scared and didn't want to worry anyone? Did he even have an opinion on the matter or was it entirely up to my stepmom? I'm angry I didn't know sooner and embarrassed that I spent the last week living such a normal life without checking in on him.

It reminds me of something that happened to my college room mate. Her grandfather died while we were in college and no one told her until after the funeral. Now I understand a little of the complex set of emotions she must have felt.

Now I'm worried about how much I'll know as this cancer battle continues. The only thing I can do is to call more often to check up on him. But this touches on my need to feel some sense of control in matters - that's another blog in itself.

1 comment:

yertle said...

So sorry to hear this. It reminds me of a time 4-5 years ago when my Dad went into the hospital and my Mom didn't tell me all day until evening. I was so angry, and had to have the hard conversation with her about it while my Dad was still in the hospital. I felt like a jerk, but I needed to express to her that if something had happened to my Dad in that time and I was not given the chance to be there or to see him that I may never have forgiven her. It is hard to say that kind of stuff, but it is also important to be able to express your needs in the situation too. Your Dad having cancer affects you and you can talk to them about how to keep you informed, how can you be supportive, etc... You get to have needs too.

Lots of love and good thoughts to you and your Dad.