Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Myriad of Emotions

I feel a little overwhelmed lately and just on the verge of out of control. At first I got angry at myself for this, thinking I wasn't breathing deeply or taking care of my stress. But now, I'm being more forgiving. As I made this list in my mind, I understood the why and forgave my inability to erase the stress and other emotions:

- One of our employees was killed on Saturday. He was on vacation on a motorcycle trip - he had an accident and was killed instantly. He worked for us for 16 years and one of our senior employees in rank.

- My single dad brother just lost his job and wants us to drop everything and travel to Seattle with him since now his schedule is free. Family visits seem to revolve around his schedule, which makes me resentful. Then I feel guilty for not having more compassion for his situation.

- I'm pretty sure my new dog has dog agression. He's getting better on the leash, but still loses it when we pass other dogs, especially little dogs. He's 60 pounds of muscle - I can hold him back, but it takes a lot. The owners walk nervously and quickly away from me out of fear, and I'm left trying to control Ollie and getting angry, embarrassed and frustrated. Not sure how this one is going to get solved.

- The kids went back to school. Halfway to school, they told my husband (I was at work, feeling guilty for not being there, but knowing I couldn't show up too late the day after an employee died - I was needed at work - I stayed home long enough to help get the kids ready, pack their lunches and get photos) to go home and they walked to school by themselves. They're in 1st and 3rd grade and growing up way too fast!

But I'm alive and employed, married with healthy kids, so I am grateful for that.


yertle said...

Good for you for being kind and forgiving to yourself and giving yourself permission to feel how you feel. You are dealing with a lot. I am so sorry to hear that one of your employees was killed.

teridill said...

My boss died last year of a heart attack and I am still grieving. Sometimes just going to work reminds me of him and I feel angry and sad at the same time.
It has gotten a lot easier over time.
I think of him just about every day.
On Grief and Grieveing by Elizabeth Kubler Ross helped me a lot and I also joined a local grief support group.
Healing takes time.