Compliment?

Today at my weekly Rotary meeting, the club president asked for my help in breaking down an easel. He said something to the effect of "Hey Squish, I need an engineer over here!"

I went over to help and broke down the easel quickly. He then said, "Wow, you and I could never be married, my ego couldn't take it. Your lawyer husband must be humiliated by you."

Now, the club president is a sweetheart and I can only imagine that he meant this as a compliment, but it sure made me feel weird. Why is being strong so intimidating to some people. He asked for the help - it's not like I shoved him aside or something. Am I supposed to act dumber or weaker than I really am?

Thank goodness I have a wonderful husband with a strong ego who isn't humiliated by me. Or maybe he's to intimidated to tell me . . .

Bummer

One year ago, I started the plans that set in motion a 13 mom adventure. We were to all go to a family camp in So Cal with our kids. A weekend of friendship, no sleep, someone else cooking, no dishes, and late nights filled with Oreo cookies.

The trip is cancelled due to the fires here in San Diego.

I spent a year planning this, being the bossy mom and coordinating with the other moms. I have been looking forward to the camaraderie.

I'm so disappointed that it is cancelled.

We did agree to have a haunted house party and I'm providing the house. The husband is reluctantly in agreement - men can be such hermits!

The Talk

This past weekend I summoned up the courage to talk to my husband about feeling like he doesn't make time for me or make me a priority in his life. It was really hard to bare my feelings and insecurity like that, but it was the right thing to do. He confessed that he feels pressure at work. That he has to take weeks off at a time for the kids and to also take every other Friday off gives the wrong impression. He's an employee now, not his own business, so face time and impression is important and plays a role.

We talked about a balance where he'll go to work early on my Friday off and I'll get the kids to school. Then we'll meet for a late lunch and have some time together before the kids get out of school. We'll still also have our date nights every two weeks.

This seemed like a good solution and I feel much better. I think we both felt heard.

Forgiving Our Parents

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the concept of forgiving our parents.

My parents had a rough marriage while I was young which culminated in a very ugly divorce. They acted in ways that most people today know not to do. But the concept of divorce was new and there wasn't the resources available then to help people through the process.

Louise Hay explains that before we can love ourselves, we have to forgive our parents. She explains that we actually pick our parents and that we pick them to teach us an important life lesson in our multi life spiritual journey. That concept is a little far out for me, but I can relate to resolving our relationship with our parents in order to be spiritually healthy.

Another reason this has been on my mind is the central theme in the movie, Into the Wild, which I got to see this weekend. It is a delicious and wonderful movie about a spiritual journey of a young man after college. He harbors a lot of anger towards his parents, but seems to slowly come to grips with his anger. Some may argue that he resolves it.

I've often wondered if I've truly forgiven my mom, and I think I have. During our talk last night, she talked about what she did wrong during the divorce. I think it came up after we talked a little about my brother, who is recently divorced. I found myself defending her to herself. Telling her that she did the best she could under the circumstances and she knows different things now, but it is not fair to judge herself against today's knowledge.

Now I need to learn to be as forgiving of myself . . .

Happy Boss Day

Did you know that today is National Boss Day?

I didn't either until a couple of my direct reports asked me to lunch. I was taken aback and very flattered. Last year they got me a nice plant (it's still in my office - it has bugs, but I can't let it go cause it means too much to me - I'm working on the bugs though, one at a time . . .). The four direct reports (one is on vaca) that were here today took me out for sushi and gave me a nice card. Here's some of what they said:

"Thanks for your kindness and your encouragement. It means a great deal."

"Glad to have your support. You are appreciated."

"I appreciate your leadership style and have learned a lot working with you." - this is from my 50 year-old employee!

The gesture of lunch and the card made me all warm and fuzzy inside and even though I may not always be a great boss and I still have a lot to learn, the notes make me realize that I am the kind of boss I want to be, nurturing, caring and supportive.

Lame Dog

This isn't meant to be derogatory, but my dog is lame. (Here she is with my son as he draws a picture of our family on the sidewalk) She twisted her back leg on Sunday and I've been alone on my last two runs. It was really strange to go through the neighborhood without her, to run without her leash tied around my waist. I really missed her. It's been about 5 days and she still limps a little. Still hopeful that it is just a sprain and will heal.

Not Enough Time

After visiting with my dad, stepmom, brother, niece and family over the weekend, then working a full week, I get to put together a birthday party by 12:30 tomorrow.

Fortunately the goodie bags were already purchased and the cake just came out of the oven, but I still have grocery shopping to do and a house to clean and decorate.

A little daunting, but fun too.

Hard to believe that it was 7 years ago today that I became a mom. Tonight was just classic, here's a clip.


Daughter speaking after finishing her piece of birthday pie:

"Thank you for my wonderful birthday. The best part was having the whole family together."

She pauses and flashes one of her famous head tilts with full smile.

Then her little brother mutters something, and she yells:

"Shut up, you know I was only saying that to mom and dad, you don't count!!!"


It just kills me to see the sibling rivalry. Of course, now they are enjoying a sleepover together as I hear giggling from the other room. It's safe to say that all has been forgiven.

When I get just a little distance, the magic of my own life and family is all I need.

P.S. - Dad is out of the hospital and his blood test showed no cancer - he's tired and sleeping a lot, but we're hopeful that he beat his cancer.

Rejection

Single women tend to have this thought that once you are married with a husband, you have a date every Saturday night.

Us married women know differently.

Recently, I've felt rejected from my husband and other than feeling hurt, I'm confused what to do. You see, I have one of those wonderful jobs that gives me every other Friday off. He has one of those wonderful consulting part-time jobs that allows him to set his own schedule. For the past couple years, we've enjoyed those days off together. Having a leisurely breakfast/lunch. Lounging around or running errands, together. We'd talk about how lucky we were and how little time some of our friends have together as a couple.

Last Friday off, he wanted to work and I asked him to spend half the day with me. He agreed, but seemed reluctant. Based on other events (him forgetting we had a sitter one night, blowing off his volunteering in our son's class, picking the kids up late from school every day, etc.), several days later I broke down in tears and told him I thought his priorities were wrong and that we were going to be around a lot longer than his job. He remained mostly silent.

This Friday off, I remained silent and he went off to work. Coming to say goodbye only to confirm that I would pick up the kids.

It really hurts that work is more important, that he'd rather be there than with me.

It makes me wonder where our marriage is going and what I should do.

I don't want to beg someone to be with me if he doesn't want to be with me.

Maybe I need to just back off and find my own things for a while, let him miss me, but what if he doesn't?

No Pressure or Anything

Last night I called my mom while making dinner. I try to call every couple weeks to check in - the regular calls keep her from feeling ignored and getting anxious. We've had a strained relationship ever since I was a teenager, but it gets better each year. Probably because I keep learning better ways to cope without pushing her away.

Anyhow, towards the end of the conversation she says something to the effect of "I hope that you are living up to your potential, you could be and do anything." I know she means well, but at times I feel this overwhelming pressure to live the life she didn't have. She was a stay at home mom and was wrecked financially after the divorce. She instilled in me a belief that women can do anything men can do and that a woman should work for money to stay independent. When I get caught up in the do everything, be everything, I try to step back and think about the long-term and balance. I would rather fail miserably career-wise than risk losing my husband to divorce, and this is not something I can say to my mom who initiated her two divorces.

So, what is my potential? What is the "all" in "having it all"?

I know I could be a better wife, mom and boss, but at what cost to me?