If I were the breadwinner . . .

and my husband were the househusband, I would like him to (* is stuff I currently do - he actually does the other items already):

Do the laundry
Take the dry cleaning in
*Do the grocery shopping
*Plan and prepare the meals, especially weekday dinners
*Prepare the kids' lunches (at least half the time)
Manage the kids' homework responsibilities
clean house (would be willing to pay for this)
*mow the lawn (I would be willing to do the other gardening: edging, planting, etc.)
*Take the kids shopping for shoes and clothes
*Keep track of birthday parties and presents for birthday parties
Potty the dogs during the day
Keep track of dogs' medications, vet visits, etc.
*Feed the dogs
Take the kids to doctor/dentist appointments
Stay home with the kids when sick
Volunteer (such as cub scout leader)
Maintain the cars

Stuff I would do:
work a full-time job upon which my family can comfortably live:
- bring home an income sufficient to run the household, fund a retirement account for my husband, pay for vacations and occassional family/date nights, etc.
- provide health and dental care for entire family
- fund my own retirement account
other gardening
weekend outings with kids
volunteer (playgroup leader and occassional Girl Scout stuff)
groom dogs
clean cars
give kids their allowance and take them to the bank
track birthdays for relatives
track presents for Christmas, other
manage kids' thank you note writing to relatives

Did I forget anything?????

Homemaker Source

Yertle, thanks for your comments and question. The previous Homemaker job description was courtesy of http://careers.stateuniversity.com/pages/308/Homemaker.html. There are lots of other job descriptions there including a search engine on education.

Do I Really Want to Work?

This past weekend we visited with a group of friends we camp with each year. All our children are roughly the same age and we have similar backgrounds - it is a fun group and we've shared a lot of memories over the years.

One interesting demographic is that 2 of the 4 women work full-time and the other 2 are full-time homemakers. Well, one is starting to go back to work part-time, but has been a full-time homemaker for the past 10 years. She had a couple drinks and it became clear that she didn't want to go back to work, but is doing so under financial stress - she said her husband was "making her".

Then on Sunday, another girlfriend mentioned that her husband would probably like her to work more (she has her won business), but she doesn't want the stress. I marveled on how she had a choice.

So, it got me thinking, do I want to work? If given the choice, would I quit and stay home. Because, I can give myself that choice. That I know.

Talked with the husband about the concept of a sabbatical, and he was open.

But what do I want?

Self Sabotage

Lately I have been thinking about self sabotage and the ways we keep ourselves from coping in a healthy way with our challenges and stress.

We each have a way of coping, a comfort mechanism, and the healthier they are the better.

The problem is that the healthy ones rarely have the instant comforting effect we feel we need. Healthy solutions are long-term and take repetition to feel their effects.

This past week or so, I've slipped back into the following pattern:

Come home from work frustrated and demoralized
Have glass of wine while making dinner to unwind
Sit down to dinner and find that I'm still stressed and upset
Have 2nd glass of wine
Feel more relaxed and with reduced inhibitions, sometimes I reach for a 3rd glass
Go to sleep, relatively peacefully, but with a nagging feeling like nothing is better
Wake up in the middle of the night
Maybe due to alcohol
Maybe due to unresolved stress
Lay awake mulling through problems that were covered up with alcohol earlier
Vow not to do it the next night

I am desperately looking for a new job as I have pretty much hated this one from day one, and just this week I celebrated 3 years. The boss is pretending that he didn't promise to finish my review by Friday of last week and that he didn't promise me a 5% raise. I am afraid to call him on it for fear that he will entirely revoke it. Meanwhile, he is talking about restructuring reporting structures, cutting me out of the administration chain of command.

So, I found a couple jobs to apply for this past week. Both referred to me by others. The problem . . . less money and maybe not in line with my original goal of not having a boss, but becoming the boss. My husband was critical of my choices and thought they were not steps up. I got upset and said I just want to stay here, have a reasonable commute and bearable job. I explained the money pressure to make more in a bigger job stemmed from being the bread winner and that we can refinance and he can get a job to make that go away. My husband then explained that I am more ambitious than him. I took that to mean I am stuck being the bread winner. I explained that I could meet my original goal of being in charge at a smaller agency for less money at any time. He was silent.

The pressure and lack of support for my job is insane. My peers have wives making their dinners, cleaning up the house and providing emotional support. I don't and I never will.

Here's the rub, I know I am good. I know that I would be a great general manager/CEO somewhere. But at what cost to me? And why? Do I have to do it just cause I can? Do I have to do it because you are supposed to reach for your potential?

I feel like I'm tired of being the money maker. That I want a job with a good boss. That I deserve a good boss and need to stop being macho and pretending I don't need or deserve those things. I deserve a job with clear boundaries. I deserve a job with stability. I deserve to be appreciated, even if it is not with bonuses, but instead flexibility to leave in the afternoon without getting grilled. I deserve not to be pushed out the fucking door by an insecure micromanaging bully.

And yes, I probably deserve to make more money in the process, but at what cost? More time in the job search? Longer commute? Moving my family? Playing with the big boys who have a better home support structure only to bang my head against the glass ceiling over and over and over?

Letter to My Husband

Dear Husband,

We have prided ourselves on creating an alternate reality in our marriage. In bucking the sexist notions of man and wife and creating our own dream. We did this without really talking about our expectations of one another.

I have spent many months thinking about our marriage and how we have arranged our lives, and I am not happy with our current arrangement.

I am no longer willing to support you financially.

We obviously have divergent views on your role as the parent who stays home. I do appreciate that you have stayed home. I do appreciate that our kids have had that time.

But I am no longer willing to continue this arrangement, and it is time for you to get a job.

We need to talk and come to an agreement about how we are to manage our family, both financially and otherwise.

Let's arrange for a sitter this weekend so that we can have a serious conversation about our needs and the next steps.

Dear Eric

Dear Eric,

One week ago Saturday, you died. You were in the middle of a two week vacation, riding your Harley, and were killed by an oncoming car. The driver has been charged with involuntary manslaughter, and your widow asked us to remember that his family has also suffered a tragedy.

Your widow did an amazing job at your funeral service. She was strong and kind. I wonder how it felt to lose someone so early in a marriage - you were only married 2 3/4 years. I wondered about your ex wife and how she is mourning your death. I wondered about your children watching their step mom deliver this important address to a standing room only crowd.

What struck me most was how little work seemed to play into your service. There was one picture of you at work. Your wife knew almost none of your coworkers. Yet this is where you spent 40 hours a week. You were an ass at work. You were opinionated and stubborn. Your boss felt you bordered on insubordination, your coworkers didn't think you were a team player. Your main coworker was out for weeks after a bike accident and you didn't seem to to care nor ask him how he was when he returned, yet he cried the hardest when we lost you.

Is work for not? Is it really so unimportant that it doesn't deserve mention at a funeral? Is my energy at work to be a good boss and to serve others a waste of time? Is it really just a paycheck?

You so frustrated one employee that he was applying for other jobs. Now I get to meet with him and my boss tomorrow. He's the boss' favorite, but I suspect you knew that. Although he caused us to violate an environmental standard and "lose" a $1,000 piece of equipment, he is still the boss' favorite. Yeah, it pisses me off too. Is that why you were an ass to him? Did you see injustice, or were you just critical?

The minister asked us several times, "What are you going to do with what he gave you?" and I couldn't help but think about how religious you were and how religious the funeral was. I saw the Black Sheep, the Harley Davidson riders for Jesus, I heard all the Bible quotes, but I still can't believe.

I am spiritual and I agree that there are so many things more powerful and important than me. But no God, no manly God with his manly son, Jesus. No one to forgive me, but myself. No one to guide me, but myself.

I saw too many religious people in my life who hid behind their religion as a balance to their evil towards others, and yes, Eric, I hold you in this category.

Many people praised how kind you were to strangers and acquaintances, but how about to your coworkers? How about to those closest to you?

I will miss you. I admired your work and individuality. I admired that you spoke your mind, even if I didn't agree. I admired that you took pride in your work.

I wish you peace and I wish your family peace in your passing.

Tish

What I Want

I was listening to a radio show about the law of attraction and he was advocating clarifying your wants. I realize I need to do this about my next job.

So here goes:

- Enough money so my husband can continue to stay home with the kids
- Flexibility to be home for dinner and on the weekends
- Authority to achieve the goals set forth
- Clearly defined goals and the opportunity to provide input on them
- A boss who will mentor and coach me
- Mutual respect
- Advancement opportunities
- An opportunity to continue to improve/protect the environment
- To live/work/volunteer in the same community
- A positive, supportive work culture

Mid Year Resolution

Even though I'm still trying to keep up with my new year's resolutions, I seem to have added one earlier this month.

It all started with the vacation. I made a point of not bringing work along on the vacation - no laptop and I kept my cell off unless I wanted to call out. I also made a conscious decision not to talk about work too much. This stems from the fact that work tends to made me sad and talking about it only brings me and others down. I did talk some about my job search as that was more uplifting and positive.

So, I kind of liked this new approach and have worked to stick with it since coming back from vacation. I am working especially hard to not let this talk come into family dinner time or time alone with my husband.

I'm okay talking about the job search, as long as I stay positive, but I work very hard not to rehash and complain about my day.

And you know what? I like this new way much better, and since I like it, I think I'm going to stick with it!

Paradox

At the center of every healthy man who is really alive is a paradox: while he always struggles to minimize pain, he would choose the world of pain and confusion and problems to the one with no challenge and no problems and no pain.

- Robert Greenleaf

The $$$ Diet and the Big Decision

Back in January, I talked about my financial diet. The main components were getting rid of the bottled water and starting to take my lunch to work at least one day a week. I've made a conscious effort to cook more at home and to be a little more thrifty. My 7-year-old daughter called me "cheap" today and just the other day when I said "to save money" when asked why I was doing something, she sighed and said "I'm tired of saving money."

Well, the worst is yet to come.

We're going to let the nanny go. Now, this nanny is not just a nanny, but also our housekeeper and emergency babysitter. She has been with our family for 7 years. She has never called in sick and is the most reliable, steady, and calm person I know. She has been amazing for our kids and family.

But . . .

Last year, we had a lot of frustration over what to do about childcare in the summer. We were in a Catch 22 situation where my husband had to work to pay for the summer school. Yes, he made more than school cost, but the kids spent summer in school. This year, we are creating a situation where my husband can take the summer off and just be with the kids. Perhaps he'll hop in the minivan and travel to family. Or perhaps, it will be filled with lazy days catching rolly pollies in the garden and begging to have lemonade stands. Either way, they'll be with a parent who loves them and given the luxury stolen so often from children these days, boredom. From boredom comes creativity and imagination and perhaps even self awareness.

We can't have this and pay for our nanny to come on Wednesdays to clean our house and watch the kids. It just isn't possible financially. As it is, we'll be reaching into some retirement savings for what we're looking at as a temporary early retirement for my husband. A few years off work while the family needs him.

But I love our nanny and I hate the thought of letting her go during what is looking like a recession. It is only one day a week, but it is likely about 25% of her income. We'll give her two months notice and a bonus, but still.

I wish I had deeper pockets.

The other side is that I'm scared for how messy and dirty the house is going to get. My husband's standards are lower than our nanny's and mine. So, even though he's willing to take on the housework, I'm nervous about what that means. We agreed to discuss the chores and even make a list with frequency. I offered take some of the time on weekend, or perhaps my day off every other Friday, to do the things he doesn't like. We'll see. The next step is the chore outline with timeframes and responsibility.

Wish us luck!

How the Other People Live . . .

I am blessed with a work schedule that allows me every other Friday off. This is time I get to volunteer at my children's school and have afternoon dates with the hubby. It's like a gift from above.

This particular Friday I decided to stop by the local Starbucks after dropping the kids off and before volunteering. I was shocked how many moms I ran into there and I could feel myself turning green with envy, thinking,

"They get to do this every day."
"They get the joy of female companionship every day."
and
"Wow."

Working full-time has it's pros and cons as does working part-time and being a full-time homemaker. This little peak into the other side was pretty intoxicating. But, no, I wouldn't trade my career for it or my husband who currently has the best work/life balance of any man I know. And I'm sure that the women I shared coffee with romanticize my position too.

Anyhow, my hat goes off to any woman who can stay with the kids and make a home for her family. And if she gets to enjoy coffee with her friends as a reward once the kids are in school, well, she's earned it!

YOU

I had seen the "YOU" series of books for a while (you know the ones, "YOU on a diet", etc.) but didn't know much about them. That was until my in-laws sent us "YOU Staying Young". Now, my in-laws are in their late 70's and just recently gave up tent camping - they're healthy stock!

The book has opened my eyes to several concepts, some I've had in my mind, but just not as strongly supported.

One concept is the concept of venting. The book, and another source that I can't recall right now, state that although venting may seem to feel good, it is actually counterproductive. That venting or griping about an upset actually makes matters worse. It reminds me of the story about the "worry tree", which was read recently at my Rotary during "Words of Wisdom".

The Worry Tree ! Author unknown

The Carpenter I hired to help me restore and old farmhouse had just finished a rough first day on the job. A flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric saw quit, and now his ancient pickup truck refused to start. While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence.

On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands. When opening the door, he underwent an amazing transformation. His tanned face wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss.

Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier.

"Oh, that's my trouble tree", he replied. "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing for sure, troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them on the tree every night when I come home. Then in the morning I pick them up again."

"Funny thing is", he smiled, "when I come out in the morning to pick 'em up, there ain't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before."

Every time I had heard this story I thought the moral was that you shouldn't subject your family to your problems, but now I understand that the real benefactor is you. That by not giving your worries power, you minimize and shrink them. That by choosing to be happy in your life, you can minimize the sadness.

Opposite Ends of the Spectrum

As I ponder this next job change, I catch myself wondering about trading places with my husband. I find myself pondering either working full-time as an executive in charge or staying home with the kids. It seems odd to me that I am thinking of such extremes, but if I'm going to go through a change, I want to consider the avenues.

When I think of a job change, I imagine a job that would fully support the family and that my husband would quit working. Yes, I've talked to him. Right now, he works for money and for satisfaction. But would he still work for just satisfaction or could I ever make enough to convince him that it is not for money? He admits that he doesn't want to work full-time. He also admits that if he works full-time that he'll be away from home more than me.

It made me realize that a 40 hour week for me is different than a 40 hour week for him. That I maintain work boundaries, as far as time, more than he does. I do, however, bring home the work stress more than he does, which isn't any better than working long hours in many cases.

I think I'm ready for a change, I know I can do it, and I'm beginning to realize that it can be on my terms. The real me is going to be great at this. The real me will be fulfilled. The real me will maintain boundaries. The real me will still miss some things though. I can't make every parent-teacher conference and every school play, doctor appointment, sick day at home, etc. But if I can make it possible that my husband is there, then I will have provided for my family.