Frazzled

I've let myself get caught up in the "shoulds" of life and am running myself a little ragged.

It doesn't help, or maybe it is caused by, the fact that my husband is out of town on a boys' canoeing trip for 4 days.

Here's the lowdown of the last 2 days:
- Breakfast with girlfriends on my Friday day off - very important, wouldn't have missed it for the world. Discussed adultery and the talk got a little scary, but all in all excellent.
- Dog training session - very important and very helpful. Am learning that I'm not escalating fast enough and being abrupt/harsh/shocking enough in my corrections to get my point across. Realized that I'm afraid strangers will think I'm abusive. Am being fraught and uncomfortable with how much this seems to mirror child discipline issues.
- Meeting with PTA prez to discuss event (evening dinner and supply donation event) for which I am responsible. Got checklist of action items and feel mostly in control, but a little worried since I've never done anything with the PTA before and don't want to screw up this event.
- Babysat from 5 until 9:15, which I thought was supposed to be 8:30, but I must have gotten my wires crossed. At 9:00 I started to worry, at 9:10 I told the little girl (3 years old) to go to bed with Torger with the plan of calling to see if everything was okay, at 9:15 the mom showed up with no explanation, which seemed odd, but mostly I was relieved to just go to bed having been awake since 4:30 am.
- Drove kids and dogs to off leash park to get them exercise before a day in the house. All went well.
- Drove 2 hours to parents', spent 7 hours in pool and in various activities, drove 2 hours home. Time with dad is precious and I try to make sure we enjoy it. My daughter complained initially about going and I simply informed her that at her age, I had no grandparents and she is lucky to have so many people who love her, that I love her grandpa and stepgrandma and we were going to share a day with them - end of discussion. Well, actually, she proceeded to say she just needed me, dad, and brother, and that's when I told her we were going, end of discussion.
- Poured glass of wine and proceeded to blog . . .

P.S. - Didn't feel dizzy with headstand, but then again wasn't in it for long.

Extremes

I've spent the last two weeks with family. The first week with my nuclear family - husband, daughter, and son. The second week with husband's in-laws to celebrate the parents' 50th anniversary. Pretty big accomplishment in my point of view. All of the 5 children were there, including the 3 grandchildren. The other grandchild is 20 - my kids are 6 and 8. The expectations of little kids by others continues to amaze me. It was really hard to watch other people. albeit family, reprimand my children. It makes me angry and protective.

For example, who really expects a 6 and 8 year old to be quiet at 1 in the afternoon? Or who expects an 8 year old to not interrupt sometimes? Answer: my sisters-in-law.

Now, though, I am home alone for 2 weeks while the husband and kids travel and spend more time with the grandparents.

I think I'll survive, but it already feels really weird. Being home alone without chatter or company has been fun this first day, but I'm already missing my family.

Goals: scrapbooking, yoga, shopping (new bed, another dog). Maybe another novel or two.

How the Other People Live . . .

I am blessed with a work schedule that allows me every other Friday off. This is time I get to volunteer at my children's school and have afternoon dates with the hubby. It's like a gift from above.

This particular Friday I decided to stop by the local Starbucks after dropping the kids off and before volunteering. I was shocked how many moms I ran into there and I could feel myself turning green with envy, thinking,

"They get to do this every day."
"They get the joy of female companionship every day."
and
"Wow."

Working full-time has it's pros and cons as does working part-time and being a full-time homemaker. This little peak into the other side was pretty intoxicating. But, no, I wouldn't trade my career for it or my husband who currently has the best work/life balance of any man I know. And I'm sure that the women I shared coffee with romanticize my position too.

Anyhow, my hat goes off to any woman who can stay with the kids and make a home for her family. And if she gets to enjoy coffee with her friends as a reward once the kids are in school, well, she's earned it!

"There are plenty of other men who would like to spend time with me!"

That was the venom that spewed out of my mouth last night as my husband sheepishly admitted that he wanted to work instead of spend my next Friday off with me - this is a recurring theme. O yeah, it happens to be my birthday. He tried to make it better by first showing me the toilets in the garage, which are my birthday present, and then saying that we had a sitter 6 days before my birthday. We have a regular babysitter every two weeks, so having her come 6 days before my birthday is nothing special.

That was it.

I said the title of this blog, then said I didn't want to talk about it anymore because anything he offered to do was simply out of fear and not love or respect. Then I maturely ran to my room, locked the door and cried myself to sleep while he put the kids to bed.

I should have a warning at the beginning of this blog that this post is a pity party!

My anger stems from years and years of my mom forgetting my birthday. This is coupled by having it during the holidays and rarely having parties as a child and my day being overshadowed by Christmas. At 30 and with a 8 week-old baby, I threw my own party with only grunts from my husband, who would just assume we live as hermits and never socialize.

So, I'm probably going to schedule a spa day for myself and spend some ridicuous amount of money, that I don't have, trying to pamper myself and make myself feel better. Or maybe I'll calm down and come up with something a little more constructive . . .

The Talk

This past weekend I summoned up the courage to talk to my husband about feeling like he doesn't make time for me or make me a priority in his life. It was really hard to bare my feelings and insecurity like that, but it was the right thing to do. He confessed that he feels pressure at work. That he has to take weeks off at a time for the kids and to also take every other Friday off gives the wrong impression. He's an employee now, not his own business, so face time and impression is important and plays a role.

We talked about a balance where he'll go to work early on my Friday off and I'll get the kids to school. Then we'll meet for a late lunch and have some time together before the kids get out of school. We'll still also have our date nights every two weeks.

This seemed like a good solution and I feel much better. I think we both felt heard.