You Tube, My Children, and the Rape Scene

It was just a matter of time.

We pride ourselves on not letting our kids have too much tv time. In fact our tv is smaller than a cereal box and they only watch videos on it. They don't even spend that much time on the computer, maybe 15 - 60 minutes a day.

But it doesn't take a lot of time to stumble upon inappropriate material.

Today my daughter was on You Tube looking up the Pokemon theme song so she could write down the words. She was almost done when my son said he wanted to look at the scary Pokemon video. I didn't think much about it, even when my daughter said it was too scary and she didn't want to see it again. I thought she was being dramatic, but that is not unusual for an 8 year old girl. I asked her how to find it and she told me the name. The Lost Episode. I saw that she had been searching on Ash and May kissing - they are two characters with a lot romantic tension, just like most shows. I scanned the videos after typing in "The Lost Episode", saw one that was animated and clicked.

With my son beside me I tried to click the pause button as soon as I saw the word "rape" in the opening words. I never saw what was next, but simply told my son that this video wasn't appropriate.

I then asked my daughter about the scary video and asked her to tell me what was scary. She said that Ash and May were kissing, and then May was screaming and then she was dead.

8 years old. I feel awful.

Thank goodness it was animated.

We've decide that You Tube is off limits, and we're looking into whether or not they have filters. But what do I say to my daughter? Do I stop with this or do I have a serious discussion about what she saw? What is age appropriate for an 8 year old.

Around this age my mom told me about sex and I remember my first nightmare about it. I used to fly alot in my dreams, up until my 20's, and I was flying in my dream when a man grabbed me and with his 5 foot penis (my mom forgot to put parameters on the items in our discussion) he had sex with me. It was awful and I can still visualize that dream 30 years later.

I don't want to do that to my daughter, but I also don't want to bury my head in the sand.

Allowance Follow Up

No action taken yet on letting the kids make a withdrawal on their savings account . . . they seemed to have forgotten for now.

To answer a question, I started the kids' allowance when they were 5 and 3 years old. Since the 5 year old lost out on a couple years, I seeded her account with some extra money. At 3 years old, the money was often misplaced or lost in the house. The same to some extent at 5.

We have wallets for each kid and we ask that they keep them in the same spot each time they use them (typically near their backpacks). They've cycled through a few wallets per year as they are lost or lose interest in the design.

The can count money and understand the concept of delayed gratification. They can read dollar and cents and are just starting to grasp the concept of tax.

Kids & Money

Like many parents, I give my kids an allowance. They are 6 and 7 years old and get one dollar per year of age per week. This translates to $6 and $7 per week respectivley.

Since this is a tidy sum (we had to add a line item for it in our household budget!) for little people, we have a general guideline:

- Deposit 1/2 your cash before Mom or Dad will take you to the store to buy something.

We call it the "pay yourself first" discipline similar to having money taken our of your paycheck for retirement or savings.

This is all fine and they each have more than $100 in their accounts, but we missed one point . . . when are they allowed to make a withdrawal?

One child has been asking to make a withdrawal for simply buying more of something he already has a lot of, Pokemon Trading Cards. I had imagined this money for bigger items like skateboards or the like, but I'm really confused on how to manage the withdrawals.

I've been stalling, but the kids are restless.

Ideas?

Mysterious Black Goo

I love boys.

Heck, I even love men!

But my poor house suffers when too many come over.

This weekend we had 6 kids over for dinner and here are the results:

- Broken bow - 1
- Broken arrow - 2
- Mysterious black goo stain on carpet in workout/yoga room - 1
- Mess - everywhere

The oldest kid of this bunch is a little rowdy and I discovered him with my daughter twice breaking house rules that she should know. She ended up in a time out for quite a while after the second time, and the rest of the kids were told to stay where a parent could see them. I try to be understanding, but I find myself simply not wanting him to come over to my home again. This kid seems to take things just a little too far for my comfort. But he's the son of my close friend's boyfriend and her children and mine play often, so it is natural to sometimes have his two sons too. They have been together for more than 6 months and his family is a fixture in her life.

Maybe I'll hold my judgement until this carpet stain comes up, right now I'm just upset about the damage.

Third Wristband

First of all, thanks to Yerlte for your kind words about unconditional love. You made me very, very happy to know that you feel this way about our friendship and my feelings for you. What a treat to hear it!

An thanks to Sierra for the good dog advice. I took Ollie to a fenced tennis court area and he ran and ran (and pooped three times) and seemed to tire himself out. He likes to catch the ball, but then just prances and shows off that he has it.

So today I took the kids to Boomers, a local amusement park. I used some points from the San Diego Blood Bank, where I donate several times a year, to get all day passes, or "wristbands". We got 4 to start and had planned to take the kids twice while the adult(s) watches. Well, I decided to use a pass for myself. I got to ride go karts, play miniature golf, ride a Ferris wheel, play laser tag, get nauseous on the tea cups, and even ride the merry-go-round swings. I had so much fun playing along with my kids and enjoying the day. I stressed less, yelled less, and threatened less. All in all a good time.

It hit me the hardest when I was on the swings. These are the swings that hang from long chains and then get twirled around - this ride by a large clown - clown story to follow. So my daughter talked me into riding this and I was told to sit in front of a little 4 year old girl, to "balance" the ride. After a few rotations, this darling little girl belts out a "Wheee, yeah!" and throws back her head. Well, who was I not to follow suit. Then she started laughing and laughing - what a delight!

About the clowns, did you know that it is International Clown Week??? We met Dizzy Dave, a quiet, almost nervous clown who works a desk job at AT&T when he is not clowning around. We had a great conversation with him over cotton candy, which the kids offered to share. It was fun to listen to the kids ask him who he saw at ComiCon. (this is the blog for links, huh?). Then we ran into Dizzy's friends in the parking lot - they were joining him for a round of miniature golf - a close knit group of friends, all dressed to the nines in clown gear, and wheeling one clown in a wheelchair. I have never seen a disabled clown and something about the site warmed my heart. To have that joy and to share it, too beautiful. My kids got "I saw a clown today" stickers and it was great! I felt like the town know-it-all when I told them "Oh, Dizzy Dave is inside waiting for you!"

A beautiful day for sure!

Extremes

I've spent the last two weeks with family. The first week with my nuclear family - husband, daughter, and son. The second week with husband's in-laws to celebrate the parents' 50th anniversary. Pretty big accomplishment in my point of view. All of the 5 children were there, including the 3 grandchildren. The other grandchild is 20 - my kids are 6 and 8. The expectations of little kids by others continues to amaze me. It was really hard to watch other people. albeit family, reprimand my children. It makes me angry and protective.

For example, who really expects a 6 and 8 year old to be quiet at 1 in the afternoon? Or who expects an 8 year old to not interrupt sometimes? Answer: my sisters-in-law.

Now, though, I am home alone for 2 weeks while the husband and kids travel and spend more time with the grandparents.

I think I'll survive, but it already feels really weird. Being home alone without chatter or company has been fun this first day, but I'm already missing my family.

Goals: scrapbooking, yoga, shopping (new bed, another dog). Maybe another novel or two.

Life is Beautiful

The first day of June and my Louise Hay calendar reminds me,

Wherever I look, I see beauty. I resonate with all the beauty in life.

This morning my husband ran off, literally, to run a marathon. This is equivalent to being the Superbowl widow - he gets up early, runs 26.2 miles, and then lies around the rest of the day moaning somewhat incoherently. I still love him and love that he does this.

But, what's cool, is that I got to party with the kids all day.

While they were partying in the water, I did yoga, watched young lifeguards in training, and read a little bit of my magazine.

The kids got their boogie boards yesterday, courtesy of the running hubby, and they were so excited to try them out. I actually got to stay dry the whole time, watching diligently from the dry land. What a delight to watch these beautiful creatures try something new!

My Painfully Slow Job Search

It has been a while since I blogged about work.

In keeping with the law of attraction and knowing that I can control my thoughts, I have been trying to focus on the more positive aspects of my life.

For instance, my 5 year old son read books to me this morning during some special pre-work cuddle time. He's reading! When did that happen!?!?!?

But to provide an update on the job search, I am still searching, but have narrowed my scope. After thinking more about moving my family and giving up the rich community of friends and neighbors I have spent 9 years cultivating, I have decided I do not want to move my family just to get away from an asshole boss. So, I am looking only locally for a while and we'll see what happens. A couple executives are expected to retire in the next two years and I may be well positioned for those jobs, but time will tell.

Thanks for all the support.

Who's Selling These Cookies Anyway?!?!?

It's that time of year and if you went anywhere this past weekend, you were likely asked,

"Would you like to buy some Girl Scout cookies?"

Now, here's the question, who asked you, the Girl Scout or her mom?

I took my daughter to her site sale in front of Bookstar on Saturday and she proceeded to sell cookies along with another little girl from her troop. The other girl's mom and I, though, had different opinions on the appropriate level of our involvement. Personally, I like to be asked and have the entire transaction with the Girl Scout herself. I view this as a learning opportunity and an important step in growing self-confidence and poise. Others view it as a fund-raiser and are more apt to ease their daughters into the responsibility.

So, there we were. I stood off to the side whereas the other mom was behind the table. I only said things like "good morning" to others whereas the other mom asked "Would you like to buy some Girl Scout cookies".

Again, it never ceases to amaze me the hundreds of little decisions that go into parenting and how amazingly personal and intimate those decisions can be.

Maybe I expect too much out of a 7 year old. Maybe I'm unique in wanting to deal with the girl and not her parent.

But maybe I'm not . . .

The Dreaded Thank You Note

In many ways, I am a very lenient mom. In other ways, I am extremely strict.

Such is the case with thank you notes.

I grew up with a mom who couldn't take pen to paper to save her life and an aunt/uncle who were amazing at writing thoughtful notes for birthday and thank you alike.

Somewhere along the last 37 years, notes have become very important to me and I insist that my children express their gratitude.

Enter the Girl Scout cookie season.

My daughter is a Brownie and this is her second year selling cookies. Last year, through the help of my Rotary club and Operation Thin Mint, my daughter was the best seller in her troop, took her troop be the top 50 troop in the region, and earned a free pass to summer camp. That's over 500 boxes sold to us laypeople. That's also about 50 thank you notes . . .

She's doing well, but the parents are about driven mad with the whining and complaining. She's gotten notes and even monetary tips in response to her thank you notes, so she's getting positive feedback.

I guess life lessons come with their own challenges and I'm set on teaching her this one, but the whining . . . .

Poop

Big Dreams and Pixie Dust has been talking lately about potty training and all the poop involved. I've enjoyed the blog as it brings up distant memories of potty training my now school age children . . .

until this past weekend . . .

Recently I went into my bathroom to find an odd substance in the sink. Yes, it was poop. I then noticed a smear on the mirror. Yep, more poop. Then for some reason I picked up the rug, and guess what was underneath??? You got it - more poop!

Now, my son had nonchalantly changed from shorts to pants earlier that day and it didn't take a whole lot of figuring to realize that he was guilty.

His defense, "it came out of the toilet". I guess the toilet backed up.

But, under the rug?!?!?!?

Pressure

Sometimes I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. After many discussions on how we can change our lives, it came down to me working full-time in a higher paying position and supporting the family financially so that my husband can basically become a house husband. I'm scared of the responsibility, which was given to me because I have more earning potential and am better at boundaries (i.e., if I work full-time, I'll be home for dinner - if he works full-time, he most likely would work a lot of overtime). It makes me feel a little trapped. I'm also scared of being the sole bread winner.

It's also about mom guilt. I explained recently that the only reason I don't have more mom guilt is that I know that he is home with them. That when they are in camp or with the nanny, I have more mom guilt. If I can't be there for them, I want him to be there for them, on vacations, when they are sick, etc.

What if I move the family and fail? When I think that I get mad at myself for underestimating my abilities and letting fear rule me, but at the same time, moving the family for a job for me is a BIG deal. I had always wanted to give my kids the stability that was lacking in my childhood. A home and neighborhood from birth through high school. Too much to ask? Are they young enough that it would be okay? Will I be able to create the same network of friends in my new home? Is it worth it?

Children are from Heaven

So the bad news is that I had training in Thousand Oaks and spent 7 hours in the car in just one day. I did get about 4 hours of good training out of it, but what a long day!

The good news is that I got to catch up on some books on tape. One was about self-esteem, and I'm embarrassed to say I don't remember the author. The other was "Children are from Heaven" from John Gray, the same author of "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus".

He talks about the importance of compassion and leadership in parenting. Some of the areas he discussed that surprised me are as follows:

- Do NOT give children choices. Until about 10 or 11, children don't need choices and giving them options is actually stressful for them and erodes your power.

- Children don't need an explanation. Tell them what to do - they don't need to know why and telling them makes you weak.

I swear I've read in a thousand other places the importance of offering choices and giving kids a chance to make a decision on little things. Like giving them a choice of snack or what to wear. Gray says we should simply instruct them what to do. He cites an extreme example of the opposite of his advice - letting the child not wear a jacket to school and catching a cold. We've often strived to give choices on little things to help the kids engage and feel a sense of control, so this advice feels weird to me. Perhaps it should be "Go get dressed" not "Do you want to wear the blue sweater or green sweater?"

About the explanation, he again says that kids can't really reason until pre-teen/teen so that explanations are lost on them. This is despite the fact that the favorite word of most children is "why". I thought explanations were to help prepare them for their own decisions, but perhaps they are not equipped for that until much older.

Then again, we can give choices in other ways. Like we can take out the inappropriate clothes out of their closet before we tell them to go get dressed. Right?

Regardless of the minor points of the book on tape, children are gifts and I wholeheartedly agree that they are from heaven, so sweet and so pure.

Love 'em!