You're Not the Boss of Me

No, this is not a quote from one of my children.

It's a rephrase of a comment made to me by someone I thought reported to me. Come to find out he reports to the president, which explains why he completely blew off my info requests last week. He's above all that. He's too sexy, I guess.

Please don't let me become like that when I'm big and important enough to have a Sr. VP title and be a part owner of a company. Please don't let me be so vain as to think common courtesy isn't still the right thing to do.

Gratitude

Why I am grateful for my new job:

an excuse to kick my daily fast food breakfast habit
oatmeal at work
getting home in less than 10 minutes most days
peers
mentors
a sensitive, intelligent, experienced manager
feeling capable to handle the challenges I'm encountering
exciting work
chances to see Nicci (yeah - this Friday!!!)
being part of a team again
feeling like I can grow
people believing in me and wanting me to grow
new friendships
developing trust
an expense account with which to take out former colleagues
people who are looking out for me
employees who are thoughtful and professional
challenge, even if it is sometimes hard
no more candy dish in my office - no need, candy/soda/oatmeal is provided by the company in the breakroom
my new latte habit and my increased calcium intake - the office has one of these
finding joy in my work and relationships as much as possible
my new mentor/dog walking buddy

I Quit . . . for real this time!

It's been over a year since I declared "I Quit" on this blog and I have patiently worked through the longest job search of my career.

8 resume revisions, >10 interviews, and about 25 thank notes later, I landed a fantastic job in the private sector.

Last night, I quit. Words can hardly begin to describe how good I felt and how happy I was last night. College graduation doesn't even compare to this feeling.

I have a great new boss who is respectful, kind, highly intelligent, and works collaboratively with his people. I have a new culture focused on quality and friendliness.

Check it out: RMC Water and Environment.

The boss was shcokingly cool and had some pretty amazing things to say:

"That's a great company - really up and coming"
"You are going to do great there"
"You have better for my career than I have been for yours"
"You are a great manager"
"People here really like you"
"I would hire you again in a minute"
"Are you willing to work for us as a consultant?"

I was really taken aback. My therapist said that he felt he could finally say these things as I no longer was a threat. Wow.

This is going to be so good for me - I deserve this.

Did I mention that it will take me to the Bay area about once a quarter!!!!!

What I Want in My Next Job

Flexibility - to attend school functions and doctor appts as needed

Limited/no weekend work

4 weeks of vacation per year

Ability to max out my retirement savings along with company match

Health benefits for me and my family

Management responsibilties for a team

Good relationship with boss

Be home in time for dinner 4 out of 5 nights

Limited travel - a night every few weeks is okay

Potential for every other Friday off or half day Fridays in exchange for working 9 hour days

Less than 30 minute commute

Training opportunities

Opportunities to attend conferences

Mentors within the company

If not public job, than at least a 15% (?) raise to make up for reduced job security

A Contract, maybe, with severance if laid off for non-performance issues before 2 years time

Obsessing

I have spent the last two days interviewing for a new position.

I have had one phone interview, one panel interview, and one full day assessment. They have all been great, but interviewing can be stressful, even though it is positive.

I am one of 2 final candidates and have been invited back to interview on Wednesday.

This process and this opportunity is absorbing my consciousness and I am spending a significant amount of thought on how to best prepare for Wednesday. How I compare to my competition, what weaknesses I need to address, what strengths I need to emphasize, etc.

I think I'm obsessing and need to distance myself a little.

Maybe this beautiful, long weekend is just the thing . . . as long as I can turn my attention to other things.

The Battlefield

Yesterday my boss berated me in front of staff and then closed the door and I was reduced to tears. I was so mad at myself for getting sucked into the useless drama and expending, no wasting my precious emotional energy.

I woke up steaming mad and here and now, I am fighting back.

I have started my campaign politically to educate others on what he's really doing, and I am becoming more agressive and successful in my interviews.

In deciding to fight, it is interesting to me that I may still have to leave and that I may learn some valuable lessons. These lessons are summed up nicely on Kickbully.com.

Understand the benefits

- A bully is useful to you because he provides a huge challenge
- If you see it through, you will win in the long run
- You are accelerating the pain, which means the pain will end sooner
- The worse things get, the easier it will be to rebuild your life
- You will be a better, stronger and wiser person when it is over
- Winning doesn't necessarily mean you will stay in your current job
- Winning is always standing up for your rights
- You will learn about true friendship (or lack thereof)
- You will become a better judge of people
- You will learn what to look for in future friends
- You will learn what to look for in future employers

Useful reminders to yourself

I appreciate the many opportunities this job provides me for personal growth.
When this is over, I will be a much better and wiser person.
When this is over, my life will be much better.
I don't care how bad things get, I'm going to finish this.
Short-term pain is the price I must pay for long-term gain.

In working through my emotions last night a painful memory came back. I remember crying in the kitchen when I was leaving my last job, saying "At least in my new job, I won't be crying in the kitchen after work." No, instead, I have been crying at work, reduced to an emotional mess by a bullying boss.

I am so mad at myself for allowing this to happen, but also proud of myself for noticing the pattern and acknowledging my role in it.

In talking with a city manager today, he said that I can be intimidating to some because of my credentials and abilities. I asked how do I control that, and he replied to work extra hard to not be threatening or work for someone who won't be threatened. The former doesn't come naturally to me and isn't necessarily a skill I want to develop.

Hence, my initial resolution to work for someone much older than me next time. Or perhaps better educated. Or perhaps with a healthy sense of self-esteerm and clear understanding of his/her role and mine.

Yes, I am preparing for battle and embarking on a life changing journey as I learn to not create this pattern for myself in the future.

Flirtation

I have been 100% faithful to my husband for 10 years. It has been easy, actually, because all of my straying happens in my professional life.

You see, in those 10 years of faithfulness to my husband, I have changed jobs 3 times. And I'm working on number 4.

Last week I met with the hiring manager for a position in Monterey. I happened to be up there for a conference so I suggested we meet for coffee. He suggested dinner and I agreed. We met for 3 1/2 hours. He spent a lot of time talking about how hard he is to work for, how demanding he is, and then also what a slacker he was/is in his career and how he worked his way up from blue collar, a "country bumpkin" with a University of Phoenix degree rubbing elbows with the Stanford grads of the world. I enjoyed dinner and I enjoyed him, but I didn't go back to my hotel room thinking I found "the one". But then his administrative manager called me in the morning and asked if she could meet with me before I left the area. We met for a drink and spent 2 1/2 hours together. She was great and got me really excited about the possibility. She followed this man from her last job of 16 years. Her dedication and loyalty spoke volumes.

I didn't think I would move for what many would call a lateral career move. The title is the same, but he says he's going to retire in two years and this is succession planning. But it is still lateral . . . My mentor reminded me that although it would be great to find a great boss, what I really want is to be boss and not to lose sight of that. If I'm going to move my family, perhaps I shouldn't do it for less than a general manager position?

Anyhow, no decisions need to be made until I have an offer that must be answered. We'll just take it one day at a time.

Says It All

Boss in the Middle

One of the things I hate about being in the middle between and employee and the big boss is performance reviews. When we agree, it is easy. When we disagree, I have to decide whether or not to fight the battle. My boss often accuses me of being too pro-employee, and as a result, he recommends adjustments to the reviews I prepare for staff who report to me. On one rare occassion it is upward, but more often it is downward.

I aquiesed on the review for one employee, who was quite upset at seeing ratings go down from last year. He went so far as to use the word "demoralizing" and say "you guys really know how to push people out".

How do I respond to that.

Do I present a unified front, do I be honest about the differences in opinion (which I did), or do I simply say that they can go above me if they don't like it.

Like a Slap in the Face

So I went back to work today after a couple weeks away.

Wow.

I feel so drained. It was so hard to go into work after being away. To walk into the climate I have grown to hate. To try to put on a smile for the people I like, but the place I hate.

We had a board meeting and then the annual employee appreciation lunch. This is when my boss pretends I don't exist. He doesn't introduce me to anyone, doesn't acknowledge my accomplishments, doesn't sit with me, and doesn't allow me to present to the board, instead presenting letters I wrote as if he wrote them himself.

Further justification for why I am looking for a new job.

Which I will find, on my timetable and to suit my needs.

I will appreciate the experience I gained here and learn from it while I create a new reality for myself.

I deserve recognition, growth, opportunity, challenge and respect. All of this and more.

Perfection and Baggage

Last night I restarted therapy. I have been diagnosed with adjustment disorder. Basically saying that my life is requiring adjustments and I have stress as a result. At least this is what will be written down to justify the visits to insurance.

Part of the session focused on my feeling that I have to be perfect in my duties. This comes in two ways. I am going to be letting another employee go in a week or so, and I have been feeling a lot of guilt/angst over it. I feel like as a manager, I should be able to make any employee perform. That not being able to is my fault as a manager. The therapist helped me to understand that I was carrying the baggage of the employee and not accounting for his/her responsibility in the situation.

Same thing with the boss and how I've been beating myself up for us not having a good relationship. If I were a good employee, I should be able to work for anybody and make it work. Not so. I'm not responsible for his baggage either.

This helped me a lot and I think it is going to make me a better manager. The more I can understand the true requirements, while exercising respect and compassion, the better I will be.

Been There Done That

From the title, you are correct in assuming that I have almost 100% made up my mind on something.

In response to a recent post, Yertle suggested to me to "go to those hard spaces - to have the conversations about the difficulties instead of letting them fester under the surface. If you feel brave, maybe you could actually talk it out with the boss."

In theory I agree with this. Yes, this is a better way than allowing things to fester.

But . . .

I have felt a strong reluctance to this and my strong reluctance and closed mind have been kind of bothering me. I'm embarrassed. I feel bothered that I'm not willing to do this. I feel stubborn and a little ignorant.

Until I remember some of our past conversations when we have "gone there". The last one was especially bad. He took out his cell phone and replayed a message I left. He then critiqued my tone and use of words, accusing me of keeping things from him. He told me he wanted me to be different. He wants us to duke it out and then kiss and make up. I'm not a duke it out type. And I will not become that to please him. I told him that we might not be able to reconcile his wants and what I can do.

I feel like I have gone there and I feel like it has not been a positive experience. I feel as if things have not improved as a result, and there was no benefit to offset the cost.

So, I don't want to go there again. I don't want to have another conversation attempting to clear the air.

I don't see any benefit. I've already made up my mind to work him out of my life. Sure, I'm making this work temporarily, but I don't plan to continue to work for him or with him, so I am focusing on my future, which does not include him.

In the present, I am as open as possible, but I'm not looking much beyond 6 months. Getting along is just temporary.

We'll see, I may end up eating those words some day. If that day comes, I will gladly eat them, but this is where I am now.

Number 2

Now, even though I work in the wastewater industry and have blogged about my children's escapades with poop, this blog is not about that #2.

No, I came in #2 for the job interview I had back in April. I'm not surprised. There was just one 45 minute interview with no additional interviews. It was pretty clear that the job was going to an internal candidate and I was just one of the "three bids" (this is lingo - generally in the public service sector, you want three bids for products to insure that you got a competitive price).

But what was interesting was the call with the hiring manager. He told me that the job reporting to him was being filled by an internal candidate, which I congratulated him on because hiring within is truly ideal. But then he mentioned that one of his coworkers just quit and that their job was a much better fit for me. I took this to mean two things: I was overqualified for the position for which I interviewed, and I impressed this guy enough that he would consider having me as a peer.

I patted myself on the back, put the job on my radar, and started my weekend.

My Painfully Slow Job Search

It has been a while since I blogged about work.

In keeping with the law of attraction and knowing that I can control my thoughts, I have been trying to focus on the more positive aspects of my life.

For instance, my 5 year old son read books to me this morning during some special pre-work cuddle time. He's reading! When did that happen!?!?!?

But to provide an update on the job search, I am still searching, but have narrowed my scope. After thinking more about moving my family and giving up the rich community of friends and neighbors I have spent 9 years cultivating, I have decided I do not want to move my family just to get away from an asshole boss. So, I am looking only locally for a while and we'll see what happens. A couple executives are expected to retire in the next two years and I may be well positioned for those jobs, but time will tell.

Thanks for all the support.

My Other Job

I've taken on another job, it's called finding a new job and I do it in the evenings and on weekends.

It involves getting references lined up, updating and tailoring my resume, identifying opportunities, and getting the word out that I'm for hire.

This is in addition to my daytime job of working for an idiot.

This job search keeps me motivated, it keeps me from getting too discouraged when work gets nasty (like when my boss accused me of insubordination), and even my husband helps out in the process by researching opportunities and keeping an open mind.

I'm about to panic though as it seems my husband is about to lose his job.

A good thing, in general, but a little sooner than we had hoped.

Lots of change, but the family is strong.

10 year wedding anniversary coming up - party woo!

Pressure

Sometimes I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. After many discussions on how we can change our lives, it came down to me working full-time in a higher paying position and supporting the family financially so that my husband can basically become a house husband. I'm scared of the responsibility, which was given to me because I have more earning potential and am better at boundaries (i.e., if I work full-time, I'll be home for dinner - if he works full-time, he most likely would work a lot of overtime). It makes me feel a little trapped. I'm also scared of being the sole bread winner.

It's also about mom guilt. I explained recently that the only reason I don't have more mom guilt is that I know that he is home with them. That when they are in camp or with the nanny, I have more mom guilt. If I can't be there for them, I want him to be there for them, on vacations, when they are sick, etc.

What if I move the family and fail? When I think that I get mad at myself for underestimating my abilities and letting fear rule me, but at the same time, moving the family for a job for me is a BIG deal. I had always wanted to give my kids the stability that was lacking in my childhood. A home and neighborhood from birth through high school. Too much to ask? Are they young enough that it would be okay? Will I be able to create the same network of friends in my new home? Is it worth it?

Opposite Ends of the Spectrum

As I ponder this next job change, I catch myself wondering about trading places with my husband. I find myself pondering either working full-time as an executive in charge or staying home with the kids. It seems odd to me that I am thinking of such extremes, but if I'm going to go through a change, I want to consider the avenues.

When I think of a job change, I imagine a job that would fully support the family and that my husband would quit working. Yes, I've talked to him. Right now, he works for money and for satisfaction. But would he still work for just satisfaction or could I ever make enough to convince him that it is not for money? He admits that he doesn't want to work full-time. He also admits that if he works full-time that he'll be away from home more than me.

It made me realize that a 40 hour week for me is different than a 40 hour week for him. That I maintain work boundaries, as far as time, more than he does. I do, however, bring home the work stress more than he does, which isn't any better than working long hours in many cases.

I think I'm ready for a change, I know I can do it, and I'm beginning to realize that it can be on my terms. The real me is going to be great at this. The real me will be fulfilled. The real me will maintain boundaries. The real me will still miss some things though. I can't make every parent-teacher conference and every school play, doctor appointment, sick day at home, etc. But if I can make it possible that my husband is there, then I will have provided for my family.

WTF

What the . . . .

That's all I have to say today. After a month long investigation into ethics concerns surrounding my boss, he got a review and a raise today.

I had hoped he would be fired, and then resigned myself to him getting his hand slapped. Seems like he got rewarded.

Now I am at a crossroads and feel the need to leave, now more than ever. How can an elected board condone such behavior??? How can those who represent the taxpayers look the other way??? What happened to karma and what goes around comes around? How can a man who is disrespected and even hated by his employees succeed? Do I have it all wrong? The kiss up/kick downs of the work really do succeed.

I feel like throwing in the towel, stopping banging my head against that damn glass ceiling and staying home. Maybe starting a women-owned small business. Maybe job sharing with my hubby.

Oh, update on the hubby. We had a date night on Saturday and the time together was very helpful. He hired help so that he could work extra hours and not have to work on my birthday. I sense that he still feels pressure to work, but we'll at least have the afternoon together and we have a date night the next day. I'm not expecting diamonds or anything, but I'm glad he worked out a solution.

Damaged Goods

So I went into my second therapy appointment on Tuesday after work feeling a little cocky. I had just had a wonderful week off work with girl time and family time, got some distance and perspective, have been feeling great and generally had a positive attitude. Thought I would walk in, we'd wrap up and she'd send me on my way to lead a normal, happy life.

The first clue was when I checked her business card and read "Psychotherapy". It sounded mysterious and scary as I read the word over again in my mind.

Then the session. She started with some routine questions that we hadn't covered.

Are you sleeping okay? Check.

Are you eating okay? Check (okay I crave sugar a little more).

Has suicide ever been an option for you? Um, well, now that you mention it I did attempt suicide as a teenage, then the tears and grim details of a 2 year divorce and custody battle mixed with emotional abuse.

I told her that I thought I had healed, that I've been in at least five years of therapy to make sure I healed. Then she told me that when you get hurt that bad, you never heal and that every new pain has the opportunity to reach into the hurt and tap it's strength and power.

Damn!

It makes me feel like damaged goods, that I'll never be normal, strong, and healthy emotionally. But the therapist tried to convince me otherwise, saying that I just need to be aware of repeating patterns from that painful time in my life, when I was young and a victim. That right now I am relating to my boss as I did my mother.

Boss - Are you loyal to me? Mom - Don't tell you're dad our new phone number.

Boss - Unpredictable rage. Mom - Woke me up in the middle of the night yelling at me.

Me then - feelings of helplessness. Me now - A strong adult, capable of distancing myself from hurtful people and attacks.

Now I just need to learn to act on the me now and not slip into the me then . . .

Thanks

As I was catching up on the papers that had piled up while I was away, I came across the following quote,

We give thanks for unknown blessing already on their way.
~Anonymous

I read it to my daughter and tried to explain the meaning, then I send the husband off with the kids and stayed home to mix up some kitchen sink cookies. On the radio came a show about working with toxic people and it was GREAT. Two books were presented and the authors interviewed, The Power of Nice and Working with You is Killing Me. Very inspiring, and I recommend the quiz to find out if you're really nice . . .