I Quit . . . for real this time!

It's been over a year since I declared "I Quit" on this blog and I have patiently worked through the longest job search of my career.

8 resume revisions, >10 interviews, and about 25 thank notes later, I landed a fantastic job in the private sector.

Last night, I quit. Words can hardly begin to describe how good I felt and how happy I was last night. College graduation doesn't even compare to this feeling.

I have a great new boss who is respectful, kind, highly intelligent, and works collaboratively with his people. I have a new culture focused on quality and friendliness.

Check it out: RMC Water and Environment.

The boss was shcokingly cool and had some pretty amazing things to say:

"That's a great company - really up and coming"
"You are going to do great there"
"You have better for my career than I have been for yours"
"You are a great manager"
"People here really like you"
"I would hire you again in a minute"
"Are you willing to work for us as a consultant?"

I was really taken aback. My therapist said that he felt he could finally say these things as I no longer was a threat. Wow.

This is going to be so good for me - I deserve this.

Did I mention that it will take me to the Bay area about once a quarter!!!!!

Do I Really Want to Work?

This past weekend we visited with a group of friends we camp with each year. All our children are roughly the same age and we have similar backgrounds - it is a fun group and we've shared a lot of memories over the years.

One interesting demographic is that 2 of the 4 women work full-time and the other 2 are full-time homemakers. Well, one is starting to go back to work part-time, but has been a full-time homemaker for the past 10 years. She had a couple drinks and it became clear that she didn't want to go back to work, but is doing so under financial stress - she said her husband was "making her".

Then on Sunday, another girlfriend mentioned that her husband would probably like her to work more (she has her won business), but she doesn't want the stress. I marveled on how she had a choice.

So, it got me thinking, do I want to work? If given the choice, would I quit and stay home. Because, I can give myself that choice. That I know.

Talked with the husband about the concept of a sabbatical, and he was open.

But what do I want?

Self Sabotage

Lately I have been thinking about self sabotage and the ways we keep ourselves from coping in a healthy way with our challenges and stress.

We each have a way of coping, a comfort mechanism, and the healthier they are the better.

The problem is that the healthy ones rarely have the instant comforting effect we feel we need. Healthy solutions are long-term and take repetition to feel their effects.

This past week or so, I've slipped back into the following pattern:

Come home from work frustrated and demoralized
Have glass of wine while making dinner to unwind
Sit down to dinner and find that I'm still stressed and upset
Have 2nd glass of wine
Feel more relaxed and with reduced inhibitions, sometimes I reach for a 3rd glass
Go to sleep, relatively peacefully, but with a nagging feeling like nothing is better
Wake up in the middle of the night
Maybe due to alcohol
Maybe due to unresolved stress
Lay awake mulling through problems that were covered up with alcohol earlier
Vow not to do it the next night

I am desperately looking for a new job as I have pretty much hated this one from day one, and just this week I celebrated 3 years. The boss is pretending that he didn't promise to finish my review by Friday of last week and that he didn't promise me a 5% raise. I am afraid to call him on it for fear that he will entirely revoke it. Meanwhile, he is talking about restructuring reporting structures, cutting me out of the administration chain of command.

So, I found a couple jobs to apply for this past week. Both referred to me by others. The problem . . . less money and maybe not in line with my original goal of not having a boss, but becoming the boss. My husband was critical of my choices and thought they were not steps up. I got upset and said I just want to stay here, have a reasonable commute and bearable job. I explained the money pressure to make more in a bigger job stemmed from being the bread winner and that we can refinance and he can get a job to make that go away. My husband then explained that I am more ambitious than him. I took that to mean I am stuck being the bread winner. I explained that I could meet my original goal of being in charge at a smaller agency for less money at any time. He was silent.

The pressure and lack of support for my job is insane. My peers have wives making their dinners, cleaning up the house and providing emotional support. I don't and I never will.

Here's the rub, I know I am good. I know that I would be a great general manager/CEO somewhere. But at what cost to me? And why? Do I have to do it just cause I can? Do I have to do it because you are supposed to reach for your potential?

I feel like I'm tired of being the money maker. That I want a job with a good boss. That I deserve a good boss and need to stop being macho and pretending I don't need or deserve those things. I deserve a job with clear boundaries. I deserve a job with stability. I deserve to be appreciated, even if it is not with bonuses, but instead flexibility to leave in the afternoon without getting grilled. I deserve not to be pushed out the fucking door by an insecure micromanaging bully.

And yes, I probably deserve to make more money in the process, but at what cost? More time in the job search? Longer commute? Moving my family? Playing with the big boys who have a better home support structure only to bang my head against the glass ceiling over and over and over?

Fear of Moving

I've been slowly facing my fear of moving as a contemplate a potential relocation.

First I was afraid of creating a new sense of community for myself and family, finding a home, finding all those little things (doctor, dentist, housekeeper, hairdresser, Girl Scout troop, Boy Scout troop, Rotary club, dry cleaner, vet, etc.), dealing with the stress of moving, selling the house that I LOVE, ruining my children, and the list goes on.

But lately, with the help of my husband, I have been seeing this more as an opportunity. To really integrate into a community. To pick my commute. To reevaluate what we want in a house and neighborhood and shop for just that. To loosen our financial belt a little and go for a 30 year mortgage instead of this suffocating 15 year mortgage we currently have. Here's how cool my husband is, he even agreed to do counseling before and after the move, just as a way to help us manage the stress and take care of our marriage.

I'm excited and feeling better and better each day.

Now I just need to get a job offer!

Flirtation

I have been 100% faithful to my husband for 10 years. It has been easy, actually, because all of my straying happens in my professional life.

You see, in those 10 years of faithfulness to my husband, I have changed jobs 3 times. And I'm working on number 4.

Last week I met with the hiring manager for a position in Monterey. I happened to be up there for a conference so I suggested we meet for coffee. He suggested dinner and I agreed. We met for 3 1/2 hours. He spent a lot of time talking about how hard he is to work for, how demanding he is, and then also what a slacker he was/is in his career and how he worked his way up from blue collar, a "country bumpkin" with a University of Phoenix degree rubbing elbows with the Stanford grads of the world. I enjoyed dinner and I enjoyed him, but I didn't go back to my hotel room thinking I found "the one". But then his administrative manager called me in the morning and asked if she could meet with me before I left the area. We met for a drink and spent 2 1/2 hours together. She was great and got me really excited about the possibility. She followed this man from her last job of 16 years. Her dedication and loyalty spoke volumes.

I didn't think I would move for what many would call a lateral career move. The title is the same, but he says he's going to retire in two years and this is succession planning. But it is still lateral . . . My mentor reminded me that although it would be great to find a great boss, what I really want is to be boss and not to lose sight of that. If I'm going to move my family, perhaps I shouldn't do it for less than a general manager position?

Anyhow, no decisions need to be made until I have an offer that must be answered. We'll just take it one day at a time.

Says It All

Like a Slap in the Face

So I went back to work today after a couple weeks away.

Wow.

I feel so drained. It was so hard to go into work after being away. To walk into the climate I have grown to hate. To try to put on a smile for the people I like, but the place I hate.

We had a board meeting and then the annual employee appreciation lunch. This is when my boss pretends I don't exist. He doesn't introduce me to anyone, doesn't acknowledge my accomplishments, doesn't sit with me, and doesn't allow me to present to the board, instead presenting letters I wrote as if he wrote them himself.

Further justification for why I am looking for a new job.

Which I will find, on my timetable and to suit my needs.

I will appreciate the experience I gained here and learn from it while I create a new reality for myself.

I deserve recognition, growth, opportunity, challenge and respect. All of this and more.

Number 2

Now, even though I work in the wastewater industry and have blogged about my children's escapades with poop, this blog is not about that #2.

No, I came in #2 for the job interview I had back in April. I'm not surprised. There was just one 45 minute interview with no additional interviews. It was pretty clear that the job was going to an internal candidate and I was just one of the "three bids" (this is lingo - generally in the public service sector, you want three bids for products to insure that you got a competitive price).

But what was interesting was the call with the hiring manager. He told me that the job reporting to him was being filled by an internal candidate, which I congratulated him on because hiring within is truly ideal. But then he mentioned that one of his coworkers just quit and that their job was a much better fit for me. I took this to mean two things: I was overqualified for the position for which I interviewed, and I impressed this guy enough that he would consider having me as a peer.

I patted myself on the back, put the job on my radar, and started my weekend.