Obsessing

I have spent the last two days interviewing for a new position.

I have had one phone interview, one panel interview, and one full day assessment. They have all been great, but interviewing can be stressful, even though it is positive.

I am one of 2 final candidates and have been invited back to interview on Wednesday.

This process and this opportunity is absorbing my consciousness and I am spending a significant amount of thought on how to best prepare for Wednesday. How I compare to my competition, what weaknesses I need to address, what strengths I need to emphasize, etc.

I think I'm obsessing and need to distance myself a little.

Maybe this beautiful, long weekend is just the thing . . . as long as I can turn my attention to other things.

The Battlefield

Yesterday my boss berated me in front of staff and then closed the door and I was reduced to tears. I was so mad at myself for getting sucked into the useless drama and expending, no wasting my precious emotional energy.

I woke up steaming mad and here and now, I am fighting back.

I have started my campaign politically to educate others on what he's really doing, and I am becoming more agressive and successful in my interviews.

In deciding to fight, it is interesting to me that I may still have to leave and that I may learn some valuable lessons. These lessons are summed up nicely on Kickbully.com.

Understand the benefits

- A bully is useful to you because he provides a huge challenge
- If you see it through, you will win in the long run
- You are accelerating the pain, which means the pain will end sooner
- The worse things get, the easier it will be to rebuild your life
- You will be a better, stronger and wiser person when it is over
- Winning doesn't necessarily mean you will stay in your current job
- Winning is always standing up for your rights
- You will learn about true friendship (or lack thereof)
- You will become a better judge of people
- You will learn what to look for in future friends
- You will learn what to look for in future employers

Useful reminders to yourself

I appreciate the many opportunities this job provides me for personal growth.
When this is over, I will be a much better and wiser person.
When this is over, my life will be much better.
I don't care how bad things get, I'm going to finish this.
Short-term pain is the price I must pay for long-term gain.

In working through my emotions last night a painful memory came back. I remember crying in the kitchen when I was leaving my last job, saying "At least in my new job, I won't be crying in the kitchen after work." No, instead, I have been crying at work, reduced to an emotional mess by a bullying boss.

I am so mad at myself for allowing this to happen, but also proud of myself for noticing the pattern and acknowledging my role in it.

In talking with a city manager today, he said that I can be intimidating to some because of my credentials and abilities. I asked how do I control that, and he replied to work extra hard to not be threatening or work for someone who won't be threatened. The former doesn't come naturally to me and isn't necessarily a skill I want to develop.

Hence, my initial resolution to work for someone much older than me next time. Or perhaps better educated. Or perhaps with a healthy sense of self-esteerm and clear understanding of his/her role and mine.

Yes, I am preparing for battle and embarking on a life changing journey as I learn to not create this pattern for myself in the future.

Self Sabotage

Lately I have been thinking about self sabotage and the ways we keep ourselves from coping in a healthy way with our challenges and stress.

We each have a way of coping, a comfort mechanism, and the healthier they are the better.

The problem is that the healthy ones rarely have the instant comforting effect we feel we need. Healthy solutions are long-term and take repetition to feel their effects.

This past week or so, I've slipped back into the following pattern:

Come home from work frustrated and demoralized
Have glass of wine while making dinner to unwind
Sit down to dinner and find that I'm still stressed and upset
Have 2nd glass of wine
Feel more relaxed and with reduced inhibitions, sometimes I reach for a 3rd glass
Go to sleep, relatively peacefully, but with a nagging feeling like nothing is better
Wake up in the middle of the night
Maybe due to alcohol
Maybe due to unresolved stress
Lay awake mulling through problems that were covered up with alcohol earlier
Vow not to do it the next night

I am desperately looking for a new job as I have pretty much hated this one from day one, and just this week I celebrated 3 years. The boss is pretending that he didn't promise to finish my review by Friday of last week and that he didn't promise me a 5% raise. I am afraid to call him on it for fear that he will entirely revoke it. Meanwhile, he is talking about restructuring reporting structures, cutting me out of the administration chain of command.

So, I found a couple jobs to apply for this past week. Both referred to me by others. The problem . . . less money and maybe not in line with my original goal of not having a boss, but becoming the boss. My husband was critical of my choices and thought they were not steps up. I got upset and said I just want to stay here, have a reasonable commute and bearable job. I explained the money pressure to make more in a bigger job stemmed from being the bread winner and that we can refinance and he can get a job to make that go away. My husband then explained that I am more ambitious than him. I took that to mean I am stuck being the bread winner. I explained that I could meet my original goal of being in charge at a smaller agency for less money at any time. He was silent.

The pressure and lack of support for my job is insane. My peers have wives making their dinners, cleaning up the house and providing emotional support. I don't and I never will.

Here's the rub, I know I am good. I know that I would be a great general manager/CEO somewhere. But at what cost to me? And why? Do I have to do it just cause I can? Do I have to do it because you are supposed to reach for your potential?

I feel like I'm tired of being the money maker. That I want a job with a good boss. That I deserve a good boss and need to stop being macho and pretending I don't need or deserve those things. I deserve a job with clear boundaries. I deserve a job with stability. I deserve to be appreciated, even if it is not with bonuses, but instead flexibility to leave in the afternoon without getting grilled. I deserve not to be pushed out the fucking door by an insecure micromanaging bully.

And yes, I probably deserve to make more money in the process, but at what cost? More time in the job search? Longer commute? Moving my family? Playing with the big boys who have a better home support structure only to bang my head against the glass ceiling over and over and over?

What Do I Want for the Holidays

I have an extended family that is very spread out, making holidays and visits a challenge.

Once a year I make the obligatory trip to my mom with my husband and children. I feel bad calling it obligatory, but it is for me. I take this trip for my kids to know my mom and to acknowledge her role in my life. It's not always easy or pleasant, but it feels like the right thing to do.

My dad and stepmom live a couple hours away and we see them several times a year, trading off who drives to see whom.

My brother moved away from the west coast and lives in Ohio. He came out last year to visit while dad was battling cancer. He is divorced with a 3-year-old daughter whom my mom has never met.

We talked about doing a shared trip to visit my mom and it has become a shared trip with dad, stepmom, then mom. It's become so much more than I initially imagined and it is being proposed for right before Christmas, one of the busiest and most intimate times of the year.

I'm finding myself trying to manage a family reunion among family that doesn't even seem to want to meet halfway. I'm losing myself in what is right and trying to meet other people's needs.

Frazzled

I've let myself get caught up in the "shoulds" of life and am running myself a little ragged.

It doesn't help, or maybe it is caused by, the fact that my husband is out of town on a boys' canoeing trip for 4 days.

Here's the lowdown of the last 2 days:
- Breakfast with girlfriends on my Friday day off - very important, wouldn't have missed it for the world. Discussed adultery and the talk got a little scary, but all in all excellent.
- Dog training session - very important and very helpful. Am learning that I'm not escalating fast enough and being abrupt/harsh/shocking enough in my corrections to get my point across. Realized that I'm afraid strangers will think I'm abusive. Am being fraught and uncomfortable with how much this seems to mirror child discipline issues.
- Meeting with PTA prez to discuss event (evening dinner and supply donation event) for which I am responsible. Got checklist of action items and feel mostly in control, but a little worried since I've never done anything with the PTA before and don't want to screw up this event.
- Babysat from 5 until 9:15, which I thought was supposed to be 8:30, but I must have gotten my wires crossed. At 9:00 I started to worry, at 9:10 I told the little girl (3 years old) to go to bed with Torger with the plan of calling to see if everything was okay, at 9:15 the mom showed up with no explanation, which seemed odd, but mostly I was relieved to just go to bed having been awake since 4:30 am.
- Drove kids and dogs to off leash park to get them exercise before a day in the house. All went well.
- Drove 2 hours to parents', spent 7 hours in pool and in various activities, drove 2 hours home. Time with dad is precious and I try to make sure we enjoy it. My daughter complained initially about going and I simply informed her that at her age, I had no grandparents and she is lucky to have so many people who love her, that I love her grandpa and stepgrandma and we were going to share a day with them - end of discussion. Well, actually, she proceeded to say she just needed me, dad, and brother, and that's when I told her we were going, end of discussion.
- Poured glass of wine and proceeded to blog . . .

P.S. - Didn't feel dizzy with headstand, but then again wasn't in it for long.

Myriad of Emotions

I feel a little overwhelmed lately and just on the verge of out of control. At first I got angry at myself for this, thinking I wasn't breathing deeply or taking care of my stress. But now, I'm being more forgiving. As I made this list in my mind, I understood the why and forgave my inability to erase the stress and other emotions:

- One of our employees was killed on Saturday. He was on vacation on a motorcycle trip - he had an accident and was killed instantly. He worked for us for 16 years and one of our senior employees in rank.

- My single dad brother just lost his job and wants us to drop everything and travel to Seattle with him since now his schedule is free. Family visits seem to revolve around his schedule, which makes me resentful. Then I feel guilty for not having more compassion for his situation.

- I'm pretty sure my new dog has dog agression. He's getting better on the leash, but still loses it when we pass other dogs, especially little dogs. He's 60 pounds of muscle - I can hold him back, but it takes a lot. The owners walk nervously and quickly away from me out of fear, and I'm left trying to control Ollie and getting angry, embarrassed and frustrated. Not sure how this one is going to get solved.

- The kids went back to school. Halfway to school, they told my husband (I was at work, feeling guilty for not being there, but knowing I couldn't show up too late the day after an employee died - I was needed at work - I stayed home long enough to help get the kids ready, pack their lunches and get photos) to go home and they walked to school by themselves. They're in 1st and 3rd grade and growing up way too fast!

But I'm alive and employed, married with healthy kids, so I am grateful for that.

Fear of Moving

I've been slowly facing my fear of moving as a contemplate a potential relocation.

First I was afraid of creating a new sense of community for myself and family, finding a home, finding all those little things (doctor, dentist, housekeeper, hairdresser, Girl Scout troop, Boy Scout troop, Rotary club, dry cleaner, vet, etc.), dealing with the stress of moving, selling the house that I LOVE, ruining my children, and the list goes on.

But lately, with the help of my husband, I have been seeing this more as an opportunity. To really integrate into a community. To pick my commute. To reevaluate what we want in a house and neighborhood and shop for just that. To loosen our financial belt a little and go for a 30 year mortgage instead of this suffocating 15 year mortgage we currently have. Here's how cool my husband is, he even agreed to do counseling before and after the move, just as a way to help us manage the stress and take care of our marriage.

I'm excited and feeling better and better each day.

Now I just need to get a job offer!

Boss in the Middle

One of the things I hate about being in the middle between and employee and the big boss is performance reviews. When we agree, it is easy. When we disagree, I have to decide whether or not to fight the battle. My boss often accuses me of being too pro-employee, and as a result, he recommends adjustments to the reviews I prepare for staff who report to me. On one rare occassion it is upward, but more often it is downward.

I aquiesed on the review for one employee, who was quite upset at seeing ratings go down from last year. He went so far as to use the word "demoralizing" and say "you guys really know how to push people out".

How do I respond to that.

Do I present a unified front, do I be honest about the differences in opinion (which I did), or do I simply say that they can go above me if they don't like it.

Perfection and Baggage

Last night I restarted therapy. I have been diagnosed with adjustment disorder. Basically saying that my life is requiring adjustments and I have stress as a result. At least this is what will be written down to justify the visits to insurance.

Part of the session focused on my feeling that I have to be perfect in my duties. This comes in two ways. I am going to be letting another employee go in a week or so, and I have been feeling a lot of guilt/angst over it. I feel like as a manager, I should be able to make any employee perform. That not being able to is my fault as a manager. The therapist helped me to understand that I was carrying the baggage of the employee and not accounting for his/her responsibility in the situation.

Same thing with the boss and how I've been beating myself up for us not having a good relationship. If I were a good employee, I should be able to work for anybody and make it work. Not so. I'm not responsible for his baggage either.

This helped me a lot and I think it is going to make me a better manager. The more I can understand the true requirements, while exercising respect and compassion, the better I will be.

Been There Done That

From the title, you are correct in assuming that I have almost 100% made up my mind on something.

In response to a recent post, Yertle suggested to me to "go to those hard spaces - to have the conversations about the difficulties instead of letting them fester under the surface. If you feel brave, maybe you could actually talk it out with the boss."

In theory I agree with this. Yes, this is a better way than allowing things to fester.

But . . .

I have felt a strong reluctance to this and my strong reluctance and closed mind have been kind of bothering me. I'm embarrassed. I feel bothered that I'm not willing to do this. I feel stubborn and a little ignorant.

Until I remember some of our past conversations when we have "gone there". The last one was especially bad. He took out his cell phone and replayed a message I left. He then critiqued my tone and use of words, accusing me of keeping things from him. He told me he wanted me to be different. He wants us to duke it out and then kiss and make up. I'm not a duke it out type. And I will not become that to please him. I told him that we might not be able to reconcile his wants and what I can do.

I feel like I have gone there and I feel like it has not been a positive experience. I feel as if things have not improved as a result, and there was no benefit to offset the cost.

So, I don't want to go there again. I don't want to have another conversation attempting to clear the air.

I don't see any benefit. I've already made up my mind to work him out of my life. Sure, I'm making this work temporarily, but I don't plan to continue to work for him or with him, so I am focusing on my future, which does not include him.

In the present, I am as open as possible, but I'm not looking much beyond 6 months. Getting along is just temporary.

We'll see, I may end up eating those words some day. If that day comes, I will gladly eat them, but this is where I am now.

Paradox

At the center of every healthy man who is really alive is a paradox: while he always struggles to minimize pain, he would choose the world of pain and confusion and problems to the one with no challenge and no problems and no pain.

- Robert Greenleaf

Authenticity

Be who you are and say what you feel

because those who mind don't matter

and those who matter don't mind.

- Dr. Seuss

Story of the Day

One day a small opening appeared on a cocoon, and a man sat and watched for the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no further.

So the man decided to help the butterfly. He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily.

But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time. Neither happened!

In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly.

What the man, in his kindness and haste, did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening was God's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If God allowed us to go through our life without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as we could have been. We could never fly.

I asked for Strength ...
And God gave me Challenges to make me strong.
I asked for Wisdom ...
And God gave me Problems to solve.
I asked for Prosperity ...
And God gave me Brain and Brawn to work.
I asked for Courage ...
And God gave me Danger to overcome.
I asked for Love ...
And God gave me Troubled people to help.
I asked for Favors ...
And God gave me Opportunities.
I received nothing I wanted
I received everything I needed.

Stress

The evilness of stress finally took hold of me and I came down ill this week.

Between

- work being stressful, both the work I am doing (labor negotiations, training a new employee, annual regulatory reports) and the boss,

- spending the time and effort to find a new job (resume prep, searching, networking, informational interviews, obtaining approval from references, etc.),

- and lastly my dad and "something on his lung",

I'm just done with.

Took yesterday off, but kept in touch with the office via e-mail and took on kid duty after school - not sure how much rest I allowed myself. Went to bed early, but work up two hours ago with a racing mind.

Had hoped that emptying it might help . . .

Trying to stay strong.

YOU

I had seen the "YOU" series of books for a while (you know the ones, "YOU on a diet", etc.) but didn't know much about them. That was until my in-laws sent us "YOU Staying Young". Now, my in-laws are in their late 70's and just recently gave up tent camping - they're healthy stock!

The book has opened my eyes to several concepts, some I've had in my mind, but just not as strongly supported.

One concept is the concept of venting. The book, and another source that I can't recall right now, state that although venting may seem to feel good, it is actually counterproductive. That venting or griping about an upset actually makes matters worse. It reminds me of the story about the "worry tree", which was read recently at my Rotary during "Words of Wisdom".

The Worry Tree ! Author unknown

The Carpenter I hired to help me restore and old farmhouse had just finished a rough first day on the job. A flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric saw quit, and now his ancient pickup truck refused to start. While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence.

On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands. When opening the door, he underwent an amazing transformation. His tanned face wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss.

Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier.

"Oh, that's my trouble tree", he replied. "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing for sure, troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them on the tree every night when I come home. Then in the morning I pick them up again."

"Funny thing is", he smiled, "when I come out in the morning to pick 'em up, there ain't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before."

Every time I had heard this story I thought the moral was that you shouldn't subject your family to your problems, but now I understand that the real benefactor is you. That by not giving your worries power, you minimize and shrink them. That by choosing to be happy in your life, you can minimize the sadness.