and my husband were the househusband, I would like him to (* is stuff I currently do - he actually does the other items already):
Do the laundry
Take the dry cleaning in
*Do the grocery shopping
*Plan and prepare the meals, especially weekday dinners
*Prepare the kids' lunches (at least half the time)
Manage the kids' homework responsibilities
clean house (would be willing to pay for this)
*mow the lawn (I would be willing to do the other gardening: edging, planting, etc.)
*Take the kids shopping for shoes and clothes
*Keep track of birthday parties and presents for birthday parties
Potty the dogs during the day
Keep track of dogs' medications, vet visits, etc.
*Feed the dogs
Take the kids to doctor/dentist appointments
Stay home with the kids when sick
Volunteer (such as cub scout leader)
Maintain the cars
Stuff I would do:
work a full-time job upon which my family can comfortably live:
- bring home an income sufficient to run the household, fund a retirement account for my husband, pay for vacations and occassional family/date nights, etc.
- provide health and dental care for entire family
- fund my own retirement account
other gardening
weekend outings with kids
volunteer (playgroup leader and occassional Girl Scout stuff)
groom dogs
clean cars
give kids their allowance and take them to the bank
track birthdays for relatives
track presents for Christmas, other
manage kids' thank you note writing to relatives
Did I forget anything?????
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Monday, February 2, 2009
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
That Well is Dry
I had a very intense therapy session last night as I read my letter and grappled with my relationship with my mother and my unfulfilled needs.
Not dissimilar to when I was a child in therapy during the divorce, my therapist told me that my mother is unable to be a mother to me, to nurture me. She said "that well is dry and you keep trying to go there for comfort only to find that it is still dry". So, instead of looking for other people to meet my needs, I have repressed them.
I have presented myself, especially to my husband, as someone who doesn't need attention, nurturing, sensitivity, and care. That I am self-sufficient, independent and strong, needing almost nothing to exist and continue on.
This is flawed as I do have needs and I have not allowed myself to acknowledge them. I have stopped myself from getting them met.
Now I need to resort my needs and ask for them to be met. I need to explain that I am evolving from who I was and that I am changing. That I am a needy person and I have a right to seek out having my needs met.
I just hope that my husband's well isn't also dry.
Not dissimilar to when I was a child in therapy during the divorce, my therapist told me that my mother is unable to be a mother to me, to nurture me. She said "that well is dry and you keep trying to go there for comfort only to find that it is still dry". So, instead of looking for other people to meet my needs, I have repressed them.
I have presented myself, especially to my husband, as someone who doesn't need attention, nurturing, sensitivity, and care. That I am self-sufficient, independent and strong, needing almost nothing to exist and continue on.
This is flawed as I do have needs and I have not allowed myself to acknowledge them. I have stopped myself from getting them met.
Now I need to resort my needs and ask for them to be met. I need to explain that I am evolving from who I was and that I am changing. That I am a needy person and I have a right to seek out having my needs met.
I just hope that my husband's well isn't also dry.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Homework Cram Session
Tonight I meet with my therapist and last week she asked me to do some journaling on what she perceives as my attraction/acceptance of selfish and lazy people.
This comes out of discussions about my frustrations with my husband and the commonality with my relationship with my mom.
I hesitate to write this on my blog as I fear it will be very negative, and I don't want to be a downer. So . . .
Warning! What you are about to read is filled with resentment. Please note, however that the writer is working through these emotions with the goal of healing her relationships and preserving and improving her marriage.
Dear Wife,
Please work full time in a job that you can barely tolerate while I work for myself, part-time, when I please and as it fits my schedule. Please do walk the dogs each morning, as you know I won't do anything with them during the day, and don't forget to make the kid's lunches, as I'll just let them buy school lunches even though our daughter should not drink milk and you think school lunches put her asthma at risk, and do this before you leave for your 9-hour work day. I'll get the kids ready for school. Yes, sometimes they wake up before me and I just stay in bed while they do God knows what in the house. And yes, they just have cold cereal on most days. And yes, I seem to forget to make our daughter take her medication, but thanks for the sign you posted above her backpack - we're getting a little better at remembering. Oh, and don't forget to feed the dogs.
After working your 9-hour day and driving at least 30 minutes to get home, we'll all be home waiting for you to make our dinner. Now, you know this is your fault because you don't like my cooking and because you are in charge of shopping, so how would I know what to make? About a year ago, you made those great lists of exactly what I should make (chicken, rice, salad, broccoli), but you stopped, so I stopped making the meals.
Please bring up your concerns and frustrations, but understand that I may simply not respond. Yep, that's right, not say a single word. Because you're emotional and will get over it anyway, why invest my energy, plus it's kind of hard, so I'll just avoid it and you.
Understand that I don't want you to spend a dime. Literally. I will complain about everything you spend that isn't on groceries (that are on sale). Also, I will not buy anything, because that involves spending money. Conveniently, this puts you in the position of buying everything like shoes for the kids and presents for my relatives. Don't expect presents either, those cost money.
After a long week of work, you get to have some quality time with the kids on Saturday. I know you miss them. I'll go off and run with my running club. Sometimes I'll run so far that I'm exhausted the rest of the day, so don't expect me to mow the lawn or do any heavy lifting on these days. Yes, I know I run more than 20 miles a week, but don't expect me to run with that new dog. He was your idea and that's why you get to do all the work. That will teach you a lesson. Even though I came with you to get him and seemed to agree, this is your burden.
You see, the problem is your standards are way higher than mine and you put this on yourself. I'd be happy with no friends, no parties, a messy house, clothes that don't fit, and relatives who don't hear from us at Christmas. You seem to think this is important. What's important to me? My running and my business, don't mess with those. Somewhere after those is where you fall. At least you are before the kids.
Signed,
Your husband of 10 years.
This comes out of discussions about my frustrations with my husband and the commonality with my relationship with my mom.
I hesitate to write this on my blog as I fear it will be very negative, and I don't want to be a downer. So . . .
Warning! What you are about to read is filled with resentment. Please note, however that the writer is working through these emotions with the goal of healing her relationships and preserving and improving her marriage.
Dear Wife,
Please work full time in a job that you can barely tolerate while I work for myself, part-time, when I please and as it fits my schedule. Please do walk the dogs each morning, as you know I won't do anything with them during the day, and don't forget to make the kid's lunches, as I'll just let them buy school lunches even though our daughter should not drink milk and you think school lunches put her asthma at risk, and do this before you leave for your 9-hour work day. I'll get the kids ready for school. Yes, sometimes they wake up before me and I just stay in bed while they do God knows what in the house. And yes, they just have cold cereal on most days. And yes, I seem to forget to make our daughter take her medication, but thanks for the sign you posted above her backpack - we're getting a little better at remembering. Oh, and don't forget to feed the dogs.
After working your 9-hour day and driving at least 30 minutes to get home, we'll all be home waiting for you to make our dinner. Now, you know this is your fault because you don't like my cooking and because you are in charge of shopping, so how would I know what to make? About a year ago, you made those great lists of exactly what I should make (chicken, rice, salad, broccoli), but you stopped, so I stopped making the meals.
Please bring up your concerns and frustrations, but understand that I may simply not respond. Yep, that's right, not say a single word. Because you're emotional and will get over it anyway, why invest my energy, plus it's kind of hard, so I'll just avoid it and you.
Understand that I don't want you to spend a dime. Literally. I will complain about everything you spend that isn't on groceries (that are on sale). Also, I will not buy anything, because that involves spending money. Conveniently, this puts you in the position of buying everything like shoes for the kids and presents for my relatives. Don't expect presents either, those cost money.
After a long week of work, you get to have some quality time with the kids on Saturday. I know you miss them. I'll go off and run with my running club. Sometimes I'll run so far that I'm exhausted the rest of the day, so don't expect me to mow the lawn or do any heavy lifting on these days. Yes, I know I run more than 20 miles a week, but don't expect me to run with that new dog. He was your idea and that's why you get to do all the work. That will teach you a lesson. Even though I came with you to get him and seemed to agree, this is your burden.
You see, the problem is your standards are way higher than mine and you put this on yourself. I'd be happy with no friends, no parties, a messy house, clothes that don't fit, and relatives who don't hear from us at Christmas. You seem to think this is important. What's important to me? My running and my business, don't mess with those. Somewhere after those is where you fall. At least you are before the kids.
Signed,
Your husband of 10 years.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Homework - What I Would Need to Feel Loved
Affection without the expectation of sex
Gifts on my birthday and holidays, even if they are low in cost
Doors opened for me on dates
Having the manly things done around the house, instead of having to do them myself
To have things/chores done without having to be asked
To be appreciated
To be told I look pretty every now and then
To be listened to
To be thanked for what I do to support the marriage and family
Date nights a couple times a month
Hugs
Support on joint activitiesEncouragement and empathy
Kind gestures and a feeling that my husband is taking care of/looking out for me
Calls when my husband is away
Gifts on my birthday and holidays, even if they are low in cost
Doors opened for me on dates
Having the manly things done around the house, instead of having to do them myself
To have things/chores done without having to be asked
To be appreciated
To be told I look pretty every now and then
To be listened to
To be thanked for what I do to support the marriage and family
Date nights a couple times a month
Hugs
Support on joint activitiesEncouragement and empathy
Kind gestures and a feeling that my husband is taking care of/looking out for me
Calls when my husband is away
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
My Rights as My Husband's Wife
To have regular dates.
To not have to plan all of said dates.
To get presents on my birthday and at Christmas.
To be flattered occassionally.
To work.
To have hobbies.
To have time alone.
To have support when dealing with the children.
To be respected as a professional.
To be more important than work, the kids, or anything else, just as we vowed.
To have my husband want to be with me.
To be able to be affectionate without sex.
To have a well groomed husband when we are out as a couple.
To be able to spend money, below our agreed upon limit, without criticism.
To have girlfriend outings and someday girlfriend vacations without the kids.
To be listened to.
To have my family treated with respect.
To not have to plan all of said dates.
To get presents on my birthday and at Christmas.
To be flattered occassionally.
To work.
To have hobbies.
To have time alone.
To have support when dealing with the children.
To be respected as a professional.
To be more important than work, the kids, or anything else, just as we vowed.
To have my husband want to be with me.
To be able to be affectionate without sex.
To have a well groomed husband when we are out as a couple.
To be able to spend money, below our agreed upon limit, without criticism.
To have girlfriend outings and someday girlfriend vacations without the kids.
To be listened to.
To have my family treated with respect.
Psychotherapy Homework
I had an intense session with my psychotherapist last night and came home with some writing assignments. She suggested holding off talking with the hubby too much about the letter as I seem to have too many issues and not a lot of clarity on what I want or need.
Assignment #1 - Make a list of my rights as a wife.
Assignment #2 - Make a list of my rights as a person.
Assignment #3 - Make a list of what my husband would have to do for me to feel valued.
Assignment #4 - Make a list of what my husband would have to do for me to feel loved.
It has become clear that I don't feel I have a right to ask people to treat me a certain way, that I have a belief that I have to accept them as they are and cannot ask them to do things for me. That I have to conform. That I have to accept. That I have to adapt.
Assignment #1 - Make a list of my rights as a wife.
Assignment #2 - Make a list of my rights as a person.
Assignment #3 - Make a list of what my husband would have to do for me to feel valued.
Assignment #4 - Make a list of what my husband would have to do for me to feel loved.
It has become clear that I don't feel I have a right to ask people to treat me a certain way, that I have a belief that I have to accept them as they are and cannot ask them to do things for me. That I have to conform. That I have to accept. That I have to adapt.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Letter Follow Up
After dropping the bombshell of a letter on my husband, he was very angry and became wrapped up in his work and pending deadline. He stayed up past midnight almost every night and pulled an all-nighter the night before we had a breakfast date to discuss the letter.
We have not faced this head on and I feel like he is hoping that time will make the issue subside, since he did just finish a deadline and thinks that he can refocus his energy now that it is complete. Of course, he used all his energy on the deadline and he is now ill.
I am still frustrated and angry, still feel used and disrespected. But I am trying to be empathetic and respectful. With persistence, we will face this and recraft our marriage.
We have not faced this head on and I feel like he is hoping that time will make the issue subside, since he did just finish a deadline and thinks that he can refocus his energy now that it is complete. Of course, he used all his energy on the deadline and he is now ill.
I am still frustrated and angry, still feel used and disrespected. But I am trying to be empathetic and respectful. With persistence, we will face this and recraft our marriage.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Codependence
I have always considered myself to be a strong, independent woman. It wasn't until my therapist identified this recurring theme with putting others' opinions and needs above my own and creating situations which disappoint me that I realized I may have a problem with codependence. In trying to make others' happy, I seem to be making myself miserable.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Letter to My Husband
Dear Husband,
We have prided ourselves on creating an alternate reality in our marriage. In bucking the sexist notions of man and wife and creating our own dream. We did this without really talking about our expectations of one another.
I have spent many months thinking about our marriage and how we have arranged our lives, and I am not happy with our current arrangement.
I am no longer willing to support you financially.
We obviously have divergent views on your role as the parent who stays home. I do appreciate that you have stayed home. I do appreciate that our kids have had that time.
But I am no longer willing to continue this arrangement, and it is time for you to get a job.
We need to talk and come to an agreement about how we are to manage our family, both financially and otherwise.
Let's arrange for a sitter this weekend so that we can have a serious conversation about our needs and the next steps.
We have prided ourselves on creating an alternate reality in our marriage. In bucking the sexist notions of man and wife and creating our own dream. We did this without really talking about our expectations of one another.
I have spent many months thinking about our marriage and how we have arranged our lives, and I am not happy with our current arrangement.
I am no longer willing to support you financially.
We obviously have divergent views on your role as the parent who stays home. I do appreciate that you have stayed home. I do appreciate that our kids have had that time.
But I am no longer willing to continue this arrangement, and it is time for you to get a job.
We need to talk and come to an agreement about how we are to manage our family, both financially and otherwise.
Let's arrange for a sitter this weekend so that we can have a serious conversation about our needs and the next steps.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Extremes
I've spent the last two weeks with family. The first week with my nuclear family - husband, daughter, and son. The second week with husband's in-laws to celebrate the parents' 50th anniversary. Pretty big accomplishment in my point of view. All of the 5 children were there, including the 3 grandchildren. The other grandchild is 20 - my kids are 6 and 8. The expectations of little kids by others continues to amaze me. It was really hard to watch other people. albeit family, reprimand my children. It makes me angry and protective.
For example, who really expects a 6 and 8 year old to be quiet at 1 in the afternoon? Or who expects an 8 year old to not interrupt sometimes? Answer: my sisters-in-law.
Now, though, I am home alone for 2 weeks while the husband and kids travel and spend more time with the grandparents.
I think I'll survive, but it already feels really weird. Being home alone without chatter or company has been fun this first day, but I'm already missing my family.
Goals: scrapbooking, yoga, shopping (new bed, another dog). Maybe another novel or two.
For example, who really expects a 6 and 8 year old to be quiet at 1 in the afternoon? Or who expects an 8 year old to not interrupt sometimes? Answer: my sisters-in-law.
Now, though, I am home alone for 2 weeks while the husband and kids travel and spend more time with the grandparents.
I think I'll survive, but it already feels really weird. Being home alone without chatter or company has been fun this first day, but I'm already missing my family.
Goals: scrapbooking, yoga, shopping (new bed, another dog). Maybe another novel or two.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
My Other Job
I've taken on another job, it's called finding a new job and I do it in the evenings and on weekends.
It involves getting references lined up, updating and tailoring my resume, identifying opportunities, and getting the word out that I'm for hire.
This is in addition to my daytime job of working for an idiot.
This job search keeps me motivated, it keeps me from getting too discouraged when work gets nasty (like when my boss accused me of insubordination), and even my husband helps out in the process by researching opportunities and keeping an open mind.
I'm about to panic though as it seems my husband is about to lose his job.
A good thing, in general, but a little sooner than we had hoped.
Lots of change, but the family is strong.
10 year wedding anniversary coming up - party woo!
It involves getting references lined up, updating and tailoring my resume, identifying opportunities, and getting the word out that I'm for hire.
This is in addition to my daytime job of working for an idiot.
This job search keeps me motivated, it keeps me from getting too discouraged when work gets nasty (like when my boss accused me of insubordination), and even my husband helps out in the process by researching opportunities and keeping an open mind.
I'm about to panic though as it seems my husband is about to lose his job.
A good thing, in general, but a little sooner than we had hoped.
Lots of change, but the family is strong.
10 year wedding anniversary coming up - party woo!
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Pressure
Sometimes I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. After many discussions on how we can change our lives, it came down to me working full-time in a higher paying position and supporting the family financially so that my husband can basically become a house husband. I'm scared of the responsibility, which was given to me because I have more earning potential and am better at boundaries (i.e., if I work full-time, I'll be home for dinner - if he works full-time, he most likely would work a lot of overtime). It makes me feel a little trapped. I'm also scared of being the sole bread winner.
It's also about mom guilt. I explained recently that the only reason I don't have more mom guilt is that I know that he is home with them. That when they are in camp or with the nanny, I have more mom guilt. If I can't be there for them, I want him to be there for them, on vacations, when they are sick, etc.
What if I move the family and fail? When I think that I get mad at myself for underestimating my abilities and letting fear rule me, but at the same time, moving the family for a job for me is a BIG deal. I had always wanted to give my kids the stability that was lacking in my childhood. A home and neighborhood from birth through high school. Too much to ask? Are they young enough that it would be okay? Will I be able to create the same network of friends in my new home? Is it worth it?
It's also about mom guilt. I explained recently that the only reason I don't have more mom guilt is that I know that he is home with them. That when they are in camp or with the nanny, I have more mom guilt. If I can't be there for them, I want him to be there for them, on vacations, when they are sick, etc.
What if I move the family and fail? When I think that I get mad at myself for underestimating my abilities and letting fear rule me, but at the same time, moving the family for a job for me is a BIG deal. I had always wanted to give my kids the stability that was lacking in my childhood. A home and neighborhood from birth through high school. Too much to ask? Are they young enough that it would be okay? Will I be able to create the same network of friends in my new home? Is it worth it?
Monday, December 10, 2007
WTF
What the . . . .
That's all I have to say today. After a month long investigation into ethics concerns surrounding my boss, he got a review and a raise today.
I had hoped he would be fired, and then resigned myself to him getting his hand slapped. Seems like he got rewarded.
Now I am at a crossroads and feel the need to leave, now more than ever. How can an elected board condone such behavior??? How can those who represent the taxpayers look the other way??? What happened to karma and what goes around comes around? How can a man who is disrespected and even hated by his employees succeed? Do I have it all wrong? The kiss up/kick downs of the work really do succeed.
I feel like throwing in the towel, stopping banging my head against that damn glass ceiling and staying home. Maybe starting a women-owned small business. Maybe job sharing with my hubby.
Oh, update on the hubby. We had a date night on Saturday and the time together was very helpful. He hired help so that he could work extra hours and not have to work on my birthday. I sense that he still feels pressure to work, but we'll at least have the afternoon together and we have a date night the next day. I'm not expecting diamonds or anything, but I'm glad he worked out a solution.
That's all I have to say today. After a month long investigation into ethics concerns surrounding my boss, he got a review and a raise today.
I had hoped he would be fired, and then resigned myself to him getting his hand slapped. Seems like he got rewarded.
Now I am at a crossroads and feel the need to leave, now more than ever. How can an elected board condone such behavior??? How can those who represent the taxpayers look the other way??? What happened to karma and what goes around comes around? How can a man who is disrespected and even hated by his employees succeed? Do I have it all wrong? The kiss up/kick downs of the work really do succeed.
I feel like throwing in the towel, stopping banging my head against that damn glass ceiling and staying home. Maybe starting a women-owned small business. Maybe job sharing with my hubby.
Oh, update on the hubby. We had a date night on Saturday and the time together was very helpful. He hired help so that he could work extra hours and not have to work on my birthday. I sense that he still feels pressure to work, but we'll at least have the afternoon together and we have a date night the next day. I'm not expecting diamonds or anything, but I'm glad he worked out a solution.
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