Last night I restarted therapy. I have been diagnosed with adjustment disorder. Basically saying that my life is requiring adjustments and I have stress as a result. At least this is what will be written down to justify the visits to insurance.
Part of the session focused on my feeling that I have to be perfect in my duties. This comes in two ways. I am going to be letting another employee go in a week or so, and I have been feeling a lot of guilt/angst over it. I feel like as a manager, I should be able to make any employee perform. That not being able to is my fault as a manager. The therapist helped me to understand that I was carrying the baggage of the employee and not accounting for his/her responsibility in the situation.
Same thing with the boss and how I've been beating myself up for us not having a good relationship. If I were a good employee, I should be able to work for anybody and make it work. Not so. I'm not responsible for his baggage either.
This helped me a lot and I think it is going to make me a better manager. The more I can understand the true requirements, while exercising respect and compassion, the better I will be.