Monday, June 9, 2008

Been There Done That

From the title, you are correct in assuming that I have almost 100% made up my mind on something.

In response to a recent post, Yertle suggested to me to "go to those hard spaces - to have the conversations about the difficulties instead of letting them fester under the surface. If you feel brave, maybe you could actually talk it out with the boss."

In theory I agree with this. Yes, this is a better way than allowing things to fester.

But . . .

I have felt a strong reluctance to this and my strong reluctance and closed mind have been kind of bothering me. I'm embarrassed. I feel bothered that I'm not willing to do this. I feel stubborn and a little ignorant.

Until I remember some of our past conversations when we have "gone there". The last one was especially bad. He took out his cell phone and replayed a message I left. He then critiqued my tone and use of words, accusing me of keeping things from him. He told me he wanted me to be different. He wants us to duke it out and then kiss and make up. I'm not a duke it out type. And I will not become that to please him. I told him that we might not be able to reconcile his wants and what I can do.

I feel like I have gone there and I feel like it has not been a positive experience. I feel as if things have not improved as a result, and there was no benefit to offset the cost.

So, I don't want to go there again. I don't want to have another conversation attempting to clear the air.

I don't see any benefit. I've already made up my mind to work him out of my life. Sure, I'm making this work temporarily, but I don't plan to continue to work for him or with him, so I am focusing on my future, which does not include him.

In the present, I am as open as possible, but I'm not looking much beyond 6 months. Getting along is just temporary.

We'll see, I may end up eating those words some day. If that day comes, I will gladly eat them, but this is where I am now.


yertle said...

Good work for being open to consider it. No need to continue getting beaten up or berated. Once you have done all you can do and said all you can say, and nothing happens, it is time to move on.

He strikes me as a bully -- always has actually. Your description of these conversations underscores it. If he wants you to be different that isn't going to work, that is for sure. I am proud of you for trying to talk to him in the past.

The best place to be is in your own integrity. Don't get sucked in by him. Trust your gut.

Squish said...

Thanks for being understanding. I appreciate that you don't think I'm letting you down or copping out on this.

Squish said...

The phone episode has an eerie resemblance to a fight with my mom once where she held a mirror up to my face to show me how ugly I looked when I talked like I was to her at the time.

It still freaks me out that my relationship with this man who is practically my age is so similar to the one with my mom when I was a teenager.

Therapy starts again on Wednesday.

yertle said...

Don't freak out. My first principal was totally my Dad. I related to him like my Dad for a long time until i finally learned how to get a voice and how to stand up for my views and opinions even when they differ from someone else. I think they are a part of life and come up when you are about to learn a big lesson. I am glad you are going to get support with it. I don't think you are letting me down or copping out. I can tell you thought about it a lot, and I am curious what will happen.

Sierra said...

Some people are just impossible to get through to. I am sure that when he goes home at night he isn't thinking that he is doing anything wrong or worthy of criticism. Even if you are requesting something simply like respect. I wish you the best in working through it or sticking it out till you don't have to anymore. Good luck with figuring out how to comp in the mean time.