So I went into my second therapy appointment on Tuesday after work feeling a little cocky. I had just had a wonderful week off work with girl time and family time, got some distance and perspective, have been feeling great and generally had a positive attitude. Thought I would walk in, we'd wrap up and she'd send me on my way to lead a normal, happy life.
The first clue was when I checked her business card and read "Psychotherapy". It sounded mysterious and scary as I read the word over again in my mind.
Then the session. She started with some routine questions that we hadn't covered.
Are you sleeping okay? Check.
Are you eating okay? Check (okay I crave sugar a little more).
Has suicide ever been an option for you? Um, well, now that you mention it I did attempt suicide as a teenage, then the tears and grim details of a 2 year divorce and custody battle mixed with emotional abuse.
I told her that I thought I had healed, that I've been in at least five years of therapy to make sure I healed. Then she told me that when you get hurt that bad, you never heal and that every new pain has the opportunity to reach into the hurt and tap it's strength and power.
It makes me feel like damaged goods, that I'll never be normal, strong, and healthy emotionally. But the therapist tried to convince me otherwise, saying that I just need to be aware of repeating patterns from that painful time in my life, when I was young and a victim. That right now I am relating to my boss as I did my mother.
Boss - Are you loyal to me? Mom - Don't tell you're dad our new phone number.
Boss - Unpredictable rage. Mom - Woke me up in the middle of the night yelling at me.
Me then - feelings of helplessness. Me now - A strong adult, capable of distancing myself from hurtful people and attacks.
Now I just need to learn to act on the me now and not slip into the me then . . .