Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Sabotage and Success

Ever since reading Yertle's blogs on Sabotage and Fear, I haven't stopped thinking about them. I want to understand and in trying to understand I'm finding some parallels and some opposites in my own life.

First of all, I adore Yertle. We've been friends for almost 20 years, and she has always been there for me. She is an amazingly bright and extremely caring person. She really listens when you talk . . . even though she can do just about 20 things at once ;) I've always wished the best for her and still do. (You're a dear, Yertle, and I love you!)

In reading Sabotage, I see a glimmer of self-hate, or is it just a little lack of self-love? Like she doesn't deserve to have things be wonderful. That wonderful is scary. In a parallel, I recall a conversation with my stepmom about me and some differences between me and my brother. She called me successful. The minute the word escaped her lips, I felt terror. I had just finished rereading "The Paradox of Success" that profiled many successful people and how they are living a facade and deeply unhappy and insecure inside. Is that me?

I tend to be a leader. In life I found that I didn't belong easily to groups and so I would simply create ones of my own. Like starting the Physics Club in high school or my own playgroup after having kids. But being the leader can be really lonely. Just last night I was talking to my husband about our big party and how I fear that I may fear intimacy. That I seek to have large groups instead of small ones. That I lead in order to be alone and not have to bond on a one-on-one level. It's a sort of one upmanship that I tend to hate in others, but it's inside me too.

In reading about Fear and its follow-up, I see a fear of being apart, of being rejected, of being scrutinized. Then I started thinking back to a tape on interviewing I listened to years and years ago. The person on the tape was talking about how to manage being unemployed and getting a job. One thing he said really struck me. He said that there are all sorts of laws out there on discrimination for race, gender, religion, etc. but none for weight. Then he went on to say that weight discrimination is alive and well and "practiced with a vengeance." Wow. He then told his listeners to go get fit.

So, how do we discriminate against people who are overweight? Do we ignore them? If so, does the weight allow a shield?

Following my own advice on "Take Being a Role Model Seriously", I need to get back to work, but I'm sure there will be more on this.


Sierra said...

I too have been thinking about sabotage and fear and have yet to determine exactly what is holding me back. Your description of what you fear and why really resonated with me.
I can't help but think that there is more to it though. I'm definitely going to have to do some soul searching and blog about it all later.

yertle said...

I love you too Squish! Thanks for being a great friend.