While going through the pregnancies and post-baby body, I felt like I melted into the background and no one paid attention to me. This is my 10-year college reunion photo. I'm the one on the far right, half cut-off and looking down at my feet.
Then I got a few more years under my belt and came out to be the person who takes charge and steals the limelight. I'm the one in the middle doing the super model pose . . . and yes, I'm wearing a control garment underneath!
Somewhere along the line I embraced my feminine side and was willing to allow it to shine. Sometimes a little too much. Yes, I wore the red dress to an evening wedding once . . . an etiquette boo boo.
I'd like to think how I am now is better, but it was nice being invisible. During grad school, when I had the kids, I went to school with a bunch of young beautiful people who drive nice cars and went to fancy restaurants. This was just as we were having kids and scaling back. I also spent 40 months either pregnant or nursing. I felt like the tagalong awkward sibling.
Since then I've allowed myself to be a little more flamboyant and I've gone back to being the leader so I know I can't be rejected. I go ahead and let people think I may be dumb, or poor, knowing that the truth is mine to embrace and their loss if not recognized.
But I crave the intimacy that other moms seem to have. They get to spend time together when dropping off the kids and some even steal away for a cup of coffee. I envy that beyond belief. I envy a close friend, outside of work, outside of my family.
But that's not fair to the friends I do have. One is my neighbor. She is a divorced mom of two. She is one of the few moms who can make time to hang out when I'm off work. The other moms seem too busy with family. This neighbor/friend is an amazing paradox of femininity. Beautiful in a Barbie way, but with fake hair, fake boobs, and a fake nose. Does she have true security? I don't know. She looks hot, but she's critical of herself too. Makes you realize that we all are deep down.
This is such rambling and I'm a bad blogger, but perhaps some of it sparks some thoughts for you . . .