Perfection and Baggage

Last night I restarted therapy. I have been diagnosed with adjustment disorder. Basically saying that my life is requiring adjustments and I have stress as a result. At least this is what will be written down to justify the visits to insurance.

Part of the session focused on my feeling that I have to be perfect in my duties. This comes in two ways. I am going to be letting another employee go in a week or so, and I have been feeling a lot of guilt/angst over it. I feel like as a manager, I should be able to make any employee perform. That not being able to is my fault as a manager. The therapist helped me to understand that I was carrying the baggage of the employee and not accounting for his/her responsibility in the situation.

Same thing with the boss and how I've been beating myself up for us not having a good relationship. If I were a good employee, I should be able to work for anybody and make it work. Not so. I'm not responsible for his baggage either.

This helped me a lot and I think it is going to make me a better manager. The more I can understand the true requirements, while exercising respect and compassion, the better I will be.

Leadership

The wicked leader is he who people despise.
The good leader is he who people revere.
The great leader is he who the people say we did it ourselves.

- Lao Tsu

Why I Love Him

My husband just became a den leader for a new Cub Scouts troop, which will include our son.

Been There Done That

From the title, you are correct in assuming that I have almost 100% made up my mind on something.

In response to a recent post, Yertle suggested to me to "go to those hard spaces - to have the conversations about the difficulties instead of letting them fester under the surface. If you feel brave, maybe you could actually talk it out with the boss."

In theory I agree with this. Yes, this is a better way than allowing things to fester.

But . . .

I have felt a strong reluctance to this and my strong reluctance and closed mind have been kind of bothering me. I'm embarrassed. I feel bothered that I'm not willing to do this. I feel stubborn and a little ignorant.

Until I remember some of our past conversations when we have "gone there". The last one was especially bad. He took out his cell phone and replayed a message I left. He then critiqued my tone and use of words, accusing me of keeping things from him. He told me he wanted me to be different. He wants us to duke it out and then kiss and make up. I'm not a duke it out type. And I will not become that to please him. I told him that we might not be able to reconcile his wants and what I can do.

I feel like I have gone there and I feel like it has not been a positive experience. I feel as if things have not improved as a result, and there was no benefit to offset the cost.

So, I don't want to go there again. I don't want to have another conversation attempting to clear the air.

I don't see any benefit. I've already made up my mind to work him out of my life. Sure, I'm making this work temporarily, but I don't plan to continue to work for him or with him, so I am focusing on my future, which does not include him.

In the present, I am as open as possible, but I'm not looking much beyond 6 months. Getting along is just temporary.

We'll see, I may end up eating those words some day. If that day comes, I will gladly eat them, but this is where I am now.

Unconscious Muttering

I say, you think.



Rambling :: my boss

Magnetic :: my children's toy magnet kit, which has pieces all over the house

Again! :: a child wanting something

Acoustic :: guitar

Mahogany :: forest

Promises :: my dad

Ill fitting :: swim suits

Sublime :: my family

Poop :: smells like money

Disoriented :: drunk

Number 2

Now, even though I work in the wastewater industry and have blogged about my children's escapades with poop, this blog is not about that #2.

No, I came in #2 for the job interview I had back in April. I'm not surprised. There was just one 45 minute interview with no additional interviews. It was pretty clear that the job was going to an internal candidate and I was just one of the "three bids" (this is lingo - generally in the public service sector, you want three bids for products to insure that you got a competitive price).

But what was interesting was the call with the hiring manager. He told me that the job reporting to him was being filled by an internal candidate, which I congratulated him on because hiring within is truly ideal. But then he mentioned that one of his coworkers just quit and that their job was a much better fit for me. I took this to mean two things: I was overqualified for the position for which I interviewed, and I impressed this guy enough that he would consider having me as a peer.

I patted myself on the back, put the job on my radar, and started my weekend.

Paradox

At the center of every healthy man who is really alive is a paradox: while he always struggles to minimize pain, he would choose the world of pain and confusion and problems to the one with no challenge and no problems and no pain.

- Robert Greenleaf

Emotional Culture

Listening the the Dr. Robin show today, I heard this phrase,

Emotional Culture

It refers to the culture in which we are raised on how we are taught to deal with others we love, our relatives and our friends.

It made me think of the Emotional Culture of my childhood and adulthood and my desire to not recreate this culture for myself and my family. My parents are divorced and could barely handle being the same room for my wedding. My father is estranged from his brother and my mother is estranged from her sister, who by the way lives just 20 miles away from her. My brother divorced his wife and uses the daycare as a means of drop-off to avoid even seeing her.

But I don't want that for me.

I want to grow old with my husband. I want to be in my children's lives. I want their grandparents, aunts and uncles to be in their lives. I want to be strong enough to continue to have people in my life, despite the differences and challenges. I want to acknowledge that my life is better with them in it - that I am better having a relationship with them.

Now, where I pause, is how, if at all, this applies to work.

Is cutting and running the best for me, or is figuring out how to make it work the way to go. Deciding to stay in my city has slowed me down, but it is definitely important to me and worth the sacrifice. Distancing myself allows coping.

Luckily, I'm enough of an individualist and leader that I feel confident I can break the Emotional Culture pattern in my home life, and this is what endures.

Feeling Discouraged

This job hunt is taking too long and I'm beginning to feel discouraged.

I either need to step it up a notch or let it go, because doing both is wearing on me.

Hope to hear from the city soon. Would need to refinance the mortgage to handle the paycut. Is it worth it?

Sorry to be lacking in motivation today - I know it is just a phase and I'll snap out of it.

Been thinking about going back into counseling - worried I'm carrying too much baggage and being overly protective of me.

Desired Things

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.


Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.


Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.


Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.


You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.


Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.


With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.


Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

Authenticity

Be who you are and say what you feel

because those who mind don't matter

and those who matter don't mind.

- Dr. Seuss

Katrina at the Helm

hello,my name is katrina.

Me and my brother,torger just got new buggie boards.When me and my dad came
home torger was so exited.

Unconscious Mutterings

Gossipping :: my MBA team mates
Misplaced :: keys (lost them today, but luckily they were in Lost and Found!)
Spaceship :: Enterprise
Ignore :: me
Bodily :: Image
Tweezers :: eyebrows
Goodnight :: Moon (and the red balloon, and the cow jumping over the moon . . .)
Curls :: hair
Faucet :: water
Right? :: Left?

I say, you say:

Gossipping ::
Misplaced ::
Spaceship ::
Ignore ::
Bodily ::
Tweezers ::
Goodnight ::
Curls ::
Faucet ::
Right? ::

Life is Beautiful

The first day of June and my Louise Hay calendar reminds me,

Wherever I look, I see beauty. I resonate with all the beauty in life.

This morning my husband ran off, literally, to run a marathon. This is equivalent to being the Superbowl widow - he gets up early, runs 26.2 miles, and then lies around the rest of the day moaning somewhat incoherently. I still love him and love that he does this.

But, what's cool, is that I got to party with the kids all day.

While they were partying in the water, I did yoga, watched young lifeguards in training, and read a little bit of my magazine.

The kids got their boogie boards yesterday, courtesy of the running hubby, and they were so excited to try them out. I actually got to stay dry the whole time, watching diligently from the dry land. What a delight to watch these beautiful creatures try something new!