Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Pressure

Sometimes I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. After many discussions on how we can change our lives, it came down to me working full-time in a higher paying position and supporting the family financially so that my husband can basically become a house husband. I'm scared of the responsibility, which was given to me because I have more earning potential and am better at boundaries (i.e., if I work full-time, I'll be home for dinner - if he works full-time, he most likely would work a lot of overtime). It makes me feel a little trapped. I'm also scared of being the sole bread winner.

It's also about mom guilt. I explained recently that the only reason I don't have more mom guilt is that I know that he is home with them. That when they are in camp or with the nanny, I have more mom guilt. If I can't be there for them, I want him to be there for them, on vacations, when they are sick, etc.

What if I move the family and fail? When I think that I get mad at myself for underestimating my abilities and letting fear rule me, but at the same time, moving the family for a job for me is a BIG deal. I had always wanted to give my kids the stability that was lacking in my childhood. A home and neighborhood from birth through high school. Too much to ask? Are they young enough that it would be okay? Will I be able to create the same network of friends in my new home? Is it worth it?

2 comments:

Sierra said...

What an exciting adventure! Do you know how many women would kill for what you have? What an opportunity to build your life in a way that is fulfilling. I think it is great that you have support from your hubby on this and I know that your kids will benefit from his time at home. Good luck with setting your boundaries and making this a huge success.

yertle said...

I always hear that the best thing for kids is to have happy parents in a happy marriage. If it is the perfect job situation for you, you should go for it. Moving is a big deal, so you should trust yourself that you wouldn't do it unless it was such a good opportunity.

I think the trapped feeling would happen either way -- if you are the sole breadwinner or if you are the one who stays at home. Trapped is really just fear that if it isn't working out you will be stuck with it forever, but that is never the case. You always have choice.

Mom guilt is one of those things that will never go away. There is always something that you won't be able to do exactly how you want to do because the task is so enormous and there are so many constraints in life around time, money, energy etc... The thing I keep trying to do is to remember that I am setting it up as best as I can to be as close to ideal as I can make it for my family. Our choices are ours and it is all about what works for us.

For me, moving when I was in 1st grade wasn't too big a deal. I made new friends and wasn't so attached. Moving in 8th grade was a whole different story. It was a harder time in life for me to do it.

I also see the other side -- that taking this type of calculated risk is a good role model for your kids not to just settle for what life brings and suck it up if it isn't working. It would empower them to think that it is OK to try things and to go for what you want.