Happy New Year and Gratitude

This year I have started an old fashioned journal to celebrate my successes in personal growth. It's the old school kind with lined paper and a pretty embroidered cover.

I feel this odd divide among my two journals now, the one that lives on paper and the one that lives in cyberspace.

I feel like I should organize them somehow and declare that the paper is for ____ and the cyber is for ______, but I don't want to. Don't feel the need to be boxed in and attempting to organize every corner of my life.

So, I will live in free form for a while and see what is and that is what shall be.

About New Years Resolutions . . . not sure if I really have any other than to release resentment and celebrate successes more. Pretty vague, but I'm growing tired of specifics when it comes to defining my goals. I want to be lofty, airy and free flowing.

Gratitude. I am grateful for:

- allowing myself to finally buy new bras in the right size
- allowing myself to buy a new purse, one from a company that gurantees and refurbishes them
- allowing myself to not feel obligated to go to playgroup this morning
- my phone interview tomorrow
- asthma medication for my daughter
- big, fat Sunday papers

My Visit to Mom

Each year I make a trip to visit my mom. She is about a 3 hour flight away. She lives in a boarding house with no car, so a visit involves a flight, renting a car, and getting a hotel room. The last 8 years, I have made this trip with family in tow, believing it was the right thing to do and that my children should know their grandmother. It was 6 years ago that my mom last visited me in my home. I have offered to pay for her to fly down, but she refuses for a variety of reasons. Perhaps I should have limited my travel or also been stubborn, but I didn't and kept up the annual visits, feeling guilty that they weren't more frequent or longer.

This year I accompanied my brother as he travelled with my neice to see Mom. My neice is 3 years old and this was her first time meeting my Mom. Mom won't get on an airplane for my brother either - at least she is conistent.

I left my family at home and was a little suprised that no one complained about not being included . . .

The visit was 3 days, 2 nights. We spent a total of 5 "visits" together over that time, each 3 - 4 hours long.

I was detached and very guarded as I feel tender lately working through issues associated with my relationship with my mother. I engaged in some debate once when she got into her usual mantra of how awful her working mother was, how she wasn't there for my mom, how she should never have been a mom, etc. She then immediately says that I'm not that way and that I'm doing it all. Meanwhile, I'm visiting my mom while my son is home, receiving a Boy Scout award - snother Boy Scouting event I've missed. The discussion leaves me feeling miserable, and I realize I shouldn't have let it go in that direction.

I took the role of timekeeping, using the neice's naps as an excuse to put time limits on each visit. It was a little bit of a drag to be the nag and timekeeper, but deep down I appreciated being in charge and Steve was accepting and even appreciative.

Being with my brother was awesome. He's met someone he imagines he will marry. I met her and liked her. My neice is growing up to be very independent and has a wonderful imaginiation.

Not sure when I'll go back, though, or who will come with me.

What's in a Name?

Got this from Yertle . . .

What Tish Means

You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life. You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home. You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble. You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long. You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong. You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know. You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do. You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out. Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia. Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?