- Being healthy after battling the stomach flu
- Seeing a beautiful sky full of stars while walking the dogs
- Running into a scared (it was dark) neighbor walking and having her take one of my dogs to help her feel safe
- Being able to send one of my books to a man diagnosed with cancer so he could show his children what he did for work and his impact on the profession
- Meeting with a prospective candidate and really liking him
- Having 2 dates planned with my husband this weekend
- Being able to volunteer once in a while at my kids' school, including tomorrow's Halloween party
- Jogging with my dog this morning and his improved behavior on lease
- Learning that he's even better when he's on the "casual walk" command
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Moms
When I stopped seeing my mother with the eyes of a child, I saw the woman who helped me give birth to myself.”
-Nancy Friday
Maybe it is not that I need to understand my mother's weaknesses as much as it is that I need to understand and overcome my own.
-Nancy Friday
Maybe it is not that I need to understand my mother's weaknesses as much as it is that I need to understand and overcome my own.
Two Way Streets
Lately I've been thinking a lot about relationships and the importance of having a two way street in each of our relationships.
This mostly comes about as I deal with some unresolved issues surrounding my mother, but as I examine my tendencies, I see how I coped with my mom has seeped into other areas of my life.
My mom was never really there for me. I don't mean to sound like an ungrateful or overcritical daughter, but it is true. As a child, she tried to be a peer, often talking to me about topics I truly wasn't mature enough to deal with. At the time I took it as a compliment and was grateful to be treated like an adult, now I know she was ignoring her resonsibilities as a parent and not respecting boundaries. During the divorce, she was completely absent as a parental figure, swallowed up in her own grief and upset. Even after I moved, our relationship revolved around her:
- When I had a lump removed from my breast, my mom was upset with me for not telling her. Her upset was the main emotion, followed later by empathy.
- When I didn't seem to call her enough when I was a grown woman in college, she took matters into her own hands and called the dean, who then called me into her office. Of course, my mom was not my guardian and was not contributing a cent to my education, but she felt the right to ask my dean to correct me.
As an adult, I find myself making every single phone call and every single visit. I used to explain it away and go along with her excuses. She doesn't like to fly, she doesn't have money, etc. But then I realized that it wasn't just the money she wasn't contributing to the relationship, it was everything else you expect from a mom. An interest in me, an interest in my children, a willingness to reach out instead of being reached, a willingness to express excitement over birthdays, holidays and milestones. I'm tired of making excuses for her and trying to pretend our relationship isn't damaged. I'm tired of doing all of the heavy lifting and doing so out of fear of guilt, both from her and from me.
So, as this happens, I find myself examining other relationships in my life, and realizing that I haven't been requiring two-way streets.
Here are some tag-lines I've tried to live by, which unfortunatley have fed this coedependency inside of me:
"You can get everything in life you want if you will just help enough other people get what they want." Zig Ziglar
"Go along to get along."
I'm finding these don't work for me anymore as I can't do them and hold onto my needs and wants. I can't follow this and ensure that I am doing for me too.
This mostly comes about as I deal with some unresolved issues surrounding my mother, but as I examine my tendencies, I see how I coped with my mom has seeped into other areas of my life.
My mom was never really there for me. I don't mean to sound like an ungrateful or overcritical daughter, but it is true. As a child, she tried to be a peer, often talking to me about topics I truly wasn't mature enough to deal with. At the time I took it as a compliment and was grateful to be treated like an adult, now I know she was ignoring her resonsibilities as a parent and not respecting boundaries. During the divorce, she was completely absent as a parental figure, swallowed up in her own grief and upset. Even after I moved, our relationship revolved around her:
- When I had a lump removed from my breast, my mom was upset with me for not telling her. Her upset was the main emotion, followed later by empathy.
- When I didn't seem to call her enough when I was a grown woman in college, she took matters into her own hands and called the dean, who then called me into her office. Of course, my mom was not my guardian and was not contributing a cent to my education, but she felt the right to ask my dean to correct me.
As an adult, I find myself making every single phone call and every single visit. I used to explain it away and go along with her excuses. She doesn't like to fly, she doesn't have money, etc. But then I realized that it wasn't just the money she wasn't contributing to the relationship, it was everything else you expect from a mom. An interest in me, an interest in my children, a willingness to reach out instead of being reached, a willingness to express excitement over birthdays, holidays and milestones. I'm tired of making excuses for her and trying to pretend our relationship isn't damaged. I'm tired of doing all of the heavy lifting and doing so out of fear of guilt, both from her and from me.
So, as this happens, I find myself examining other relationships in my life, and realizing that I haven't been requiring two-way streets.
Here are some tag-lines I've tried to live by, which unfortunatley have fed this coedependency inside of me:
"You can get everything in life you want if you will just help enough other people get what they want." Zig Ziglar
"Go along to get along."
I'm finding these don't work for me anymore as I can't do them and hold onto my needs and wants. I can't follow this and ensure that I am doing for me too.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Gratitude 9
I am grateful for:
- toilet paper - my yoga teacher reminded me to be thankful for the everyday things, like toilet paper
- an upcoming camp weekend with moms and kids
- a weekend affair with Double Stuff Oreos
- being in nature
- my dogs both doing great sit-stays when I have to clean up their poop
- daily morning walks with dogs
- getting back into my running routine after taking some time off for dog training and a cold/flu
- learning to set better boundaries in my relationship with my mom
- my brother's upcoming visit
- the flowers an employee gave me for bosses day
- getting to go out to lunch tomorrow with another employee as a bosses day treat
- being able to share the pesto I made with basil from my garden
- using my first bin of worm compost
- how relaxing it actually was to sort through the compost and remove the remaining worms
- fish tacos
- toilet paper - my yoga teacher reminded me to be thankful for the everyday things, like toilet paper
- an upcoming camp weekend with moms and kids
- a weekend affair with Double Stuff Oreos
- being in nature
- my dogs both doing great sit-stays when I have to clean up their poop
- daily morning walks with dogs
- getting back into my running routine after taking some time off for dog training and a cold/flu
- learning to set better boundaries in my relationship with my mom
- my brother's upcoming visit
- the flowers an employee gave me for bosses day
- getting to go out to lunch tomorrow with another employee as a bosses day treat
- being able to share the pesto I made with basil from my garden
- using my first bin of worm compost
- how relaxing it actually was to sort through the compost and remove the remaining worms
- fish tacos
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Ollie is a Keeper!!
The husband finally agreed that we are keeping Ollie!!!
He's doing great on leash and getting better around other dogs!
Homework
I want the Magic Pill!
What stories do you tell yourself to keep you from making real change in your life?
I can have a normal life with a normal mom and normal grandma to my children. The past is the past and I can forgive and make my own future.
What beliefs or blockages prevent you from experiencing new ways of doing things?
One should never shut anyone out of their life, and parents deserve respect.
Do you constantly beat yourself up?
Yes, I can't do enough for my mom - there is more that I could/should be doing to make her life more comfortable.
Do you constantly label yourself as ‘bad’, ‘wrong’ or ‘not good enough’ in some way?
I need to be strong. Being sensitive or putting my needs above others is wrong. I am a rock and I can provide for everyone.
Would you allow your friends and colleagues to speak to you in the way your ego—your Inner Judge and Critic—speaks to you?
No.
Do your current beliefs bring you happiness (be honest) or pain and suffering (be equally honest)?
Pain and suffering.
If the latter, why do you continue to hold them and allow them to run your life?
I let my mom use me and I wallow in guilt, which I even transfer to my brother. I still feel guilty for going to live with my dad, for picking the stronger parent. Frankly, it is unfair that I ever had to pick. I got dealt a raw hand in life. But if I change my beliefs and my actions now, I can allow myself to be dealt a new hand.
What would it take to heal yourself?
I need to put limits on my relationship with my mother and to contain the damage. I need to put energy into the positive relationships in my life. My husband and children need me and my positive energy, which I will foster.
The average person has 16,000 thoughts a day. Would you characterize the majority of yours as ‘healing’ (love-based) or ‘killing’ (fear-based)?
I'm working on making my thoughts healing.
Did you ever just observe your thoughts without getting caught up in them, or in a ’story’?
Yes, during yoga and when I meditate.
What is it like?
Awesome - it helps me detach from the drama and not get sucked into anything too fast.
What one or two debilitating or limiting beliefs would you like to update right now?
The past is the past and I have a normal two way relationship with my mother.
Can you do it?
Yes
Will you?
I will try - I'm scared of change and the guilt trips from my mom when I begin to expect her to meet me halfway.
What one or two baby steps can you take this week or next to make changes in your life by creating new thoughts and beliefs about yourself—and then taking action?
I did one already. I am not dragging my whole family to Washington state for an annual trip. Just me. This saves money and unnecessary drama for my husband and kids - my mom never really offered them anything anyway, she's too self-absorbed.
What stories do you tell yourself to keep you from making real change in your life?
I can have a normal life with a normal mom and normal grandma to my children. The past is the past and I can forgive and make my own future.
What beliefs or blockages prevent you from experiencing new ways of doing things?
One should never shut anyone out of their life, and parents deserve respect.
Do you constantly beat yourself up?
Yes, I can't do enough for my mom - there is more that I could/should be doing to make her life more comfortable.
Do you constantly label yourself as ‘bad’, ‘wrong’ or ‘not good enough’ in some way?
I need to be strong. Being sensitive or putting my needs above others is wrong. I am a rock and I can provide for everyone.
Would you allow your friends and colleagues to speak to you in the way your ego—your Inner Judge and Critic—speaks to you?
No.
Do your current beliefs bring you happiness (be honest) or pain and suffering (be equally honest)?
Pain and suffering.
If the latter, why do you continue to hold them and allow them to run your life?
I let my mom use me and I wallow in guilt, which I even transfer to my brother. I still feel guilty for going to live with my dad, for picking the stronger parent. Frankly, it is unfair that I ever had to pick. I got dealt a raw hand in life. But if I change my beliefs and my actions now, I can allow myself to be dealt a new hand.
What would it take to heal yourself?
I need to put limits on my relationship with my mother and to contain the damage. I need to put energy into the positive relationships in my life. My husband and children need me and my positive energy, which I will foster.
The average person has 16,000 thoughts a day. Would you characterize the majority of yours as ‘healing’ (love-based) or ‘killing’ (fear-based)?
I'm working on making my thoughts healing.
Did you ever just observe your thoughts without getting caught up in them, or in a ’story’?
Yes, during yoga and when I meditate.
What is it like?
Awesome - it helps me detach from the drama and not get sucked into anything too fast.
What one or two debilitating or limiting beliefs would you like to update right now?
The past is the past and I have a normal two way relationship with my mother.
Can you do it?
Yes
Will you?
I will try - I'm scared of change and the guilt trips from my mom when I begin to expect her to meet me halfway.
What one or two baby steps can you take this week or next to make changes in your life by creating new thoughts and beliefs about yourself—and then taking action?
I did one already. I am not dragging my whole family to Washington state for an annual trip. Just me. This saves money and unnecessary drama for my husband and kids - my mom never really offered them anything anyway, she's too self-absorbed.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Thought for the Day
“It is only when we realize that life is taking us nowhere that it begins to have meaning.”
~ P.D. Ospensky
~ P.D. Ospensky
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